I Am Not What You Choose To See
by Turtle Babe
Summary: I am not what you choose to see. I am hurting. I am breaking. I can't do this anymore. Let me go. - I was wrong to see what I did. I cannot let you go. Please let me help you put yourself back together. I love you.
1. Chapter 1

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter One**

Trembling, he gazed at the sharpened kunai in his hand. Bits of light reflected off of the surface as he saw a distorted image of himself in the blade. The reflection was fractured.

"Typical," Genma sighed, reaching to toss the senbon in his mouth into a wall, "Still can't get anyone to see me for who I am. Can't ever get acknowledged for the right reasons. I am so fucking tired of this shit."

He'd fought the distortion for years. His kaasan died giving birth to his otouto. His father and older sister rallied around the new baby. He'd been left on his own.

 _"Not now, Boy. Can't you see that your sister and I have our hands full with Ryo. You're five now so I'm sure you can entertain yourself."_

 _"Move, Boy. I don't have time for opening ceremonies at the academy and neither does your sister. Can you try to stay out from under your family's feet for once, Genma? You are not the center of attention all the time."_

Genma's heart had long since gotten used to words like that. He snorted softly at the wording "center of attention." He had been as the baby of the family when his family seemed to want him around, but once Kaasan had died and his otouto had been born he'd rarely been looked at again…unless it was to be punished for simply being.

 _"Stop whimpering like an infant. A shinobi should be able to take a hit. It is your fault anyway. I can't always be buying you new clothing and equipment just because you decided to have a damn growth spurt. Your sister and brother have needs too. Figure it out on your own, Boy."_

 _"How did I get stuck with a useless child like you?"_

 _"If you so much as make a sound while I'm home I'll show you what real pain feels like, Boy. Get out of my face._

Genma remembered the words of his father, the disapproving look of his older sister, and the lack of a real relationship with a younger brother who didn't understand what was happening as the middle child grew in silence within a house that wasn't his own anymore. Where once he'd eaten with his family, eventually he had been moved into the kitchen to eat alone so there was room at the table for his otouto's highchair. Then food became a sporadic occurrence when his father began to blame him for money issues. Genma had carefully mended his torn clothes with fingers that had gotten used to needle and thread and earned monies through odd jobs to pay for some rations to survive and his school supplies. He'd dealt with his hunger and sucked up the pain from the left over wounds when tempers caused fists to fly. He'd hidden the truth from the outside world with a shield of indifference. Shinobi survived. He never understood why he'd become the black sheep looking in on a family he had yearned to belong to, but life was simply life so he accepted his title of outcast.

The boy had grown and become a genin. Genma had a team he belonged to and he trained hard. Chouza-sensei would praise him, but Ebisu was relentless in picking apart all his flaws. He trained long hours and appreciated the fact that Raidou would train with him. The older boy was strong and sparred well. The two of them found a stride to show that they would partner well on missions. Genma knew a bit of freedom then when he was working hard to develop his craft. He was able to afford some food even if his father had presented him with a bill of everything he needed to pay back for the years of "caring'' for him. So what that nearly all money earned was taken from him—he was going to be a shinobi of Konoha and people would see him again. One slip up on a mission did make his presence known in ways he had never wanted.

 _"I cannot believe that you just stood there while your teammate was down, Shiranui."_

 _"I was locked in a genjutsu, Ebisu. I couldn't cast the damn thing off. I was trying and didn't know that Gai had fallen."_

 _"We learn to deal with genjutsu in the academy, Shiranui. What are you a pre-genin?"_

Genma glanced into the reflection of the kunai as a blurry bit of his eye reflected back. He'd flown at Ebisu on that day and his sensei had to get Shikaku to help pull him off. He got a new title that day thanks to Ebisu's gossiping…undependable hothead. The title had hurt and he'd trained harder. Raidou again helped him, but it grew to be too much when whispered gossip reached him of his temper and "lazy ways. "

 _"Let it go, Gen. I know you don't goof off."_

 _"Not the point, Rai. I don't like to be judged by people who don't know me and I have been there for both Gai and Ebisu many times, but I'm getting crucified for the one time that I perhaps needed some help too. They have no idea what I saw in that genjutsu. They don't know…what it felt like in there."_

 _"What did you see, Gen?"_

Genma shivered when he remembered what he'd seen as a genin. He'd played it off with Raidou, but seeing your father coming at you with murder in his eyes cut to the bone. Hearing the man screaming that he was nothing and shouldn't have been born had hit too close to the truth of how Genma knew his father really felt. It was hard enough going home to see the cold, indifferent looks thrown his way in real life. The genjutsu had nearly broken through his mask. Rumors spread and he was branded a whiny coward back then which at times was still used to rile him up even after proving the title wrong time and time again.

"Damn," Genma hissed, shaking his head.

The genin ignored the rumors and proved himself by rising to chunin and quickly to jonin. He aged to the point of being able to go to bars with Raidou. Genma had grown and women and men had both noticed. For the first time in so long, he was the center of attention again and it felt so good to be seen. To be wooed. To be wanted. His mask expanded and he got the title of playboy. He wasn't though. He flirted, yes, but he rarely went home with anyone. That wasn't his way, but no one looked to see the truth. They saw the admirers and assumed.

 _"You tap that blonde last night, Gen?"_

 _"No way, Aoba. She was too young and I don't go for one night stands, thank you."_

 _"Not what we heard."_

 _"What did you hear, Rai?"_

 _"Everyone knows that you're quite the little player, Gen. You are nearly as bad as Anko."_

That had hurt. Others gossiping was one thing, but Raidou? Raidou had grown up with Genma. Helped him clean wounds that the older shinobi had thought had come from training or missions. The only one that Genma thought could see him, but Raidou was also pretty drunk that night so he'd written the whole thing off as the alcohol's work. He had hoped that Raidou didn't really see him in such a light back then and the other man had never teased him about that again.

Genma looked at the kunai in his hand. He'd calmed some now. The jonin had worked hard on controlling his fiery temper as he aged and was usually pretty laid back and remained calm under pressure. His partnership with Raidou was renowned and his skill levels continued to mature. Then Sand had attacked and Raidou was injured and the Third killed. Tempers flew, fingers were pointed, and Genma once again gained a new title-Do nothing.

 _"You were right there! Both Raidou and the Third needed you and you failed them."_

 _"I couldn't get through the barrier like everyone else, Asuma! I wasn't standing around gaping, you know!"_

 _"You did nothing! My father died and you did nothing!"_

The jonin groaned, dropping his head to glare at the floor he was sitting on. Asuma had apologized later. The man had been distraught, but the rumor mill started again. It was tiring always feeling like you were on the outside looking in. It was hard feeling that glass wall cutting you off from everyone else. It was lonely. Then Lady Tsunade happened. She was strong, she was loud, she was smart, and she used shinobi like tools. Missions and duties were all he knew for months until he didn't know which way was up. He passed out while training and remembered waking in the hospital with his newest title. Weak.

 _"I thought a shinobi of your level could handle himself better, Shiranui-san."_

 _"I won't let it happen again, Hokage-sama."_

 _"Perhaps you need to hold off on more training for a little bit until you determine what brought on this weakness. Konoha needs their shinobi strong."_

Titters had rang out when Genma had been forced to use crutches for a couple of weeks. The jokes, the laughter, the assumptions were cutting though the mask. He was trying so hard to perfect a new jutsu. A jutsu that would help him move faster in order to protect. How was that a weakness? How was being one of the Hokage's best assassins making him not be able to handle himself? Why was he being questioned all the time like he was a burden or liability?

"Shit," Genma whispered, "Shit, shit, shit."

Genma didn't back down and continued forward. Fuck the ones that doubted him. He'd just show them different. He did his job and realized that he was in love. In love with the one man he thought saw him for being Genma. Raidou was bulkier muscle to his slimmer frame and being wrapped in his arms made him feel cherished and safe. Then he was assigned a seduction mission. Genma used his attributes and charm to great effect. The information he garnered stopped the killing of an innocent family. Then Genma was branded a whore.

 _"Heard you took one for Konoha, Gen."_

 _"Shut up, Anko. That's not the way things played out."_

 _"Not what I heard. Heard you moaned like a slutty, little virgin for that man, Gen-Gen."_

Raidou had gone ballistic. Accused Genma of cheating in front of the whole mission room. Called him a filthy whore that would fall into bed with the first pretty face that passed his way. Dumped his ass and then punched him so hard in the face that Genma's head spun. No one stepped up to help him as he stumbled from the room to run to his apartment and lock himself far away from glaring, angry faces.

"That's not what happened, Rai," Genma choked as the trembling returned, "I didn't want this, but I'm too tainted now for you. I'm glad you dumped me. Makes all of this easier."

Outcast, undependable, hothead, do nothing, playboy, coward, weak, lazy, perverted, slut, whore, unwanted, unloved, unseen…not needed by anyone. Reviled for titles that he'd never claimed. Used and thrown away.

"I'm done," Genma whimpered, sliding the kunai as deep as possible again and again along his wrists until his fingers were slick with blood and the kunai fell to the puddle of blood around him as his hands lost enough feeling to hold the blade, "I don't want those titles anymore. I don't want to remember what happened. I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore."

Genma sighed as he toppled. His loose hair fluttered to stick against tear-soaked cheeks. It was funny that the pain from his wrists did not rival the pain in his heart. The mask had crumbled and the abandoned child within him cried in sorrow. This would be his last title…broken.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Two**

Raidou growled as he downed another beer. Fucker! Jackass! Slut! How dare he accept that mission when they were…Genma was only supposed to be his.

"Kuso," Raidou snarled as his friends glanced to him in sympathy, "Can't believe he'd stoop so low."

"Well…it is Genma," Asuma hummed before grimacing as Raidou scowled at him, "Kid's always been a player."

"No he hasn't."

Eyes turned to Gai as he stood in apparent anger.

"Gen's not like that," Gai continued despite the snorts of amusement thrown his way, "Genma doesn't sleep around. Does no one see the passionate, youthful strides he takes to improve himself and be there for comrades and Konoha? Surely you noticed, Raidou."

"Hard working whores do make great strides," Raidou huffed, looking away before startling as someone's drink was poured right over his head, "What the hell?"

Kakashi stood from the table to stand by Gai.

"I've been called 'Cold-blooded Kakashi,' 'Friend-killer Kakashi,' and 'Pervert Kakashi' and many other titles," the Copy-nin snapped, "All these names were given to me by people who didn't try to see or care that missions resulted in actions I didn't want to happen or that there is much more going on underneath the underneath. Genma had a damn mission that he was given no choice in doing. He fit the bill for what that pervert mark liked to coax into bed. You didn't see him when he walked through the gate. Something happened on that mission and it wasn't great sex! Fuck this. I thought to try and talk reason into you, but you're acting like some damn betrayed, romance novel character. This isn't Icha Icha, Asshole. You are shinobi and so is Genma. He had no choice in what he was asked to do on that mission. Get over yourself, Raidou, and that goes for the rest of you."

Raidou swallowed uncomfortably as he blushed red. Asuma stubbed out his cigarette with a curse as many fidgeted while Kakashi and Gai stalked away.

"Wait," Raidou called as Kakashi turned, "Where are you going?"

"To check on a friend," Kakashi bit out, "Poor kid had a tough mission and then was dumped by his ass of a boyfriend right afterwards. Excuse me."

The alcohol cooled from Raidou's system as the truth rode out the sense of betrayal. Duh! Of course Genma hadn't had a choice. A mission was a mission.

"I'm coming with you," Raidou insisted as he flashed to his comrades' sides, "The ass of a boyfriend needs to apologize."

"He might not wish to see you after that temper tantrum and love tap you pulled," Kakashi drawled as Raidou bit his lip, "You will respect his wishes regardless of what Genma asks of you?"

"Hai," Raidou agreed, "If Genma doesn't wish to see me then I'll give him the space he needs as long as you promise to tell him that I _am_ an ass and I apologize for flying off the deep end. God, Kakashi, you and Gai are right. I acted an idiot and decked him. What was I thinking?"

Kakashi glared at the other jonin and took off to Genma's apartment without agreeing to anything. Asuma, Anko, and Aoba caught up with the group looking equally as ashamed of themselves. The problem was that it seemed that Genma wasn't home.

"Perhaps Gen went to drink away his despair tonight like you did, Raidou," Gai suggested, trying to look into a window, "I see no light within."

"He's in there," Raidou denied, banging hard on the door, "I can feel his chakra signature, but it feels odd. Gen! Gen, open this door, please! Gen, we need to talk! I need to apologize to you! I was wrong, okay? Please open the door!"

"Don't you have a key?" Aoba asked, "He's your boyfriend. You must be able to get in whenever you need to, right?"

"I do, but he's sealed the door and all his windows. You can't get through Gen's seals without destroying things," Raidou sighed before banging harder on the door, "Gen, I know you are in there! Open the door, Baby! I'm so sorry, Genma!"

"Baby?" Anko chuckled.

"Fuck you," Raidou snapped, "He's _my_ baby and don't you ever use my nickname against Gen. Got a problem with that, Snake Bitch?"

Anko stepped away from the livid man with her hands raised in surrender. It was odd to ever hear the usually gentlemanly Raidou cursing. However, it was Kakashi that was acting the strangest as he paced from one corner of the building to the door and back again.

"Rival?" Gai asked before getting tense as the Copy-nin hunched and growled like a wild animal.

"What is it?" Asuma demanded as Kakashi growled again, "Kakashi?"

"That's not Kakashi," Raidou breathed, "That's Hound. Anbu, report!"

"Blood smell. A lot of blood," Hound hissed, "Scent of approaching death is in the air. All scents coming from within this apartment."

Horror filled Raidou's face as he glanced to Hound and then back at Genma's door.

"Hound, chidori this door! Now!" Raidou ordered as he stepped back to allow the jonin access to punch his lightning blade through the door and rid the obstacle, "Move!"

Raidou rushed through the burnt doorway and switched on the lights only to freeze where he stood. White skin and blood soaked hair made Genma look like a china doll that had been dropped into a heap on the floor.

"No," Raidou whispered as he gazed at his lover in the pool of ruby blood, "This can't be real. This can't be. Gen? Baby?"

The jonin's training kicked in and he rushed to check for a pulse as gasps rang out behind him.

"Genma? Genma, can you hear me?" Raidou questioned as he felt the sporadic pulse and cold skin, "Oh, God, Baby! Someone get me something to wrap his wrists and a blanket! He's gone into shock! Genma? I'm here. I'm so sorry. I'm going to get you help, Gen. Just hang on for me."

Raidou knew he was babbling. He knew he was beginning to panic, but he kept his movements professional as he worked with the others to wrap Genma's wrists and lift his unconscious lover from the floor swaddled tightly in a blanket. Raidou teleported to the hospital as red stained the towels hastily wrapped around Gen's wrists. Medic nin snatched Genma from his grasp and rushed away to try and save the man's life. Raidou hadn't been allowed to go with his boyfriend and he knew he'd never get the image of his younger lover lying obviously dying in his own blood out of his mind ever again. Hands grabbed his as he shuddered in a chair of the waiting area.

"Gen had tears on his face," Raidou breathed, holding to Asuma's hands tightly, "He was upset and he was alone and it's all my fault. I did this to him."

"I don't believe that, Rai," Asuma denied, "Gen's too strong to give up over getting dumped."

"Whatever drove Shiranui-san to consider this became a true decision due to the breakup. For Shiranui-san that was the last straw."

"Shut up, Hound," Asuma sneered, "Not helping things."

"Hound?" Raidou called as the cold eye turned on him, "I need Kakashi back, Hound. I need someone who can look with more than just a professional eye. I need Kakashi's skills, Hound. I thank you for letting me know that Genma needed help, but bring back Kakashi."

The single gray eyes blinked once before the coldness dissipated and everyone felt as Hound stepped back.

"Kakashi?" Raidou asked as the jonin nodded, "The Hokage was called to help with Genma, but I need his report. I need to know what happened on that mission. Will you help me get that report?"

"Hai," Kakashi agreed, placing a hand on Raidou's shoulder, "We may have gotten to him in time. Don't give up hope."

Raidou frowned, but nodded quickly as Kakashi took off with Gai following. He waited in silence with Asuma, Anko, and Aoba. It was voices from a hallway that caused him to erupt.

"Did you hear? Genma Shiranui attempted suicide."

" _No_. Bet you he couldn't handle the truth. Do you think he finally learned that keeping his legs together would have been a wiser choice? Raidou was right to call him a whore."

"I'll kill you!" Raidou roared, flinging himself at the two nin as his friends held him back, "You have no right to speak his name! No right to call a shinobi who served his village well such a hateful name and neither did I! I'll hunt you down if you so much as look in Gen's direction again! Let me go!"

"Stand down!"

Raidou grew silent at seeing Tsunade as the two nin hurried away from the volatile nin. The Hokage's clothes were covered in blood just like Raidou's was. Gen's blood. The fight went out of the jonin as he hurried to the blonde.

"How is he?"

"Not sure," Lady Tsunade admitted as Raidou cursed, "Come with me. I need to speak with you."

Raidou nodded and followed the Hokage as she led him into an office and then he was grabbed by two Anbu and forced into a chair as Ibiki stepped inside the room. The jonin was shocked, but cooperated.

"Raidou, have you had any dealings with Genma Shiranui since your argument this afternoon in the mission room?" Ibiki questioned.

"No," Raidou denied, "I went to training ground nine with Aoba and Asuma and sparred to try and get over my anger and ended up in a bar with most of my friends to drink myself into a stupor that evening before Gai and Kakashi talked some sense into me that I was blaming Genma for something that wasn't even his choice. Why are you asking me this? I want to know about Gen's condition and it seems that there is something you two know that you are trying to find out about. What is going on?"

"Genma is in critical condition and suffering from severe shock to his system," Tsunade explained as the Anbu released Raidou at a flick of her hand, "His wrists are in ruins. It will take months to restore his skin and joints back to normal. Genma's nearly bled out. We are doing blood transfusions now, but…but there is also evidence of a brutal sexual assault that has occurred in the last twenty-four hours. There are bruises where he was held down and Genma was torn so badly that I'm amazed the man could even walk."

Raidou's heart dropped before rage took over.

"Rape? My Gen's been raped? By whom?" Raidou hissed, gripping the arms of his chair with a death grip, "Was it the _asshole_ that you sent Genma to _seduce_ , Hokage?"

"Watch your tone," Ibiki warned as Raidou growled at him, "Genma did not include any information of actually having to resort to sexual intercourse to gather the intel that we needed to subvert murders, but I wouldn't put it past him to hide the rape from us. Man never likes to admit to pain or weakness. It's just that the timelines are not adding up for it to have been the mark. However, we had to make sure that you hadn't…"

"You better not be fucking saying what I think you are," Raidou interrupted, standing angrily, "I'd never do that to anyone let alone the man I love."

"Yet, you punched Genma hard enough to fracture his cheek bone," Lady Tsunade pointed out as Raidou paled and dropped into his chair, "Ah. You didn't know so I can only assume that was a hit out of misplaced anger. The bone is healed now, but I can't promise that he'll live, Raidou. Genma's intention was to die, judging by those cuts, and he's in critical condition so I need to get back to him. Ibiki, I leave this investigation in your hands."

Raidou lowered his head into his hands as he shuddered in pain for Genma's suffering. He'd been a fool to turn on Gen so quickly.

"No," Ibiki bit out as Raidou glanced up, "Stop the pity for yourself. This is about Shiranui-san. I am aware that Hatake has stolen Genma's report for you. Why did you request him to do so?"

"To find what might have driven him to do this," Raidou answered truthfully, "Hound was the one who pointed out the truth. My temper tantrum might have pushed Genma over the edge, but Gen is not one to give up like this. There is more going on and now I think I know part of what broke him enough to slash his wrists open to the bone. Was there another nin on that damn mission with my Gen, Ibiki?"

"No, there wasn't and you are not to get involved in this investigation," Ibiki huffed as Raidou spluttered, "Genma needs you here and not off hunting down the rapist. That is my job and one that I will complete. Do not doubt that. I will bring the man who did this to Genma to justice."

Raidou ground his teeth, but nodded. He couldn't leave Genma alone. Not for a long, long time. He answered the rest of the questions and then was given some hospital scrubs to change into since his clothes were ruined. Raidou was then allowed to walk in numb silence back to the waiting room.

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Three**

"No," Ibiki bit out as Raidou glanced up, "Stop the pity for yourself. This is about Shiranui-san. I am aware that Hatake has stolen Genma's report for you. Why did you request him to do so?"

"To find what might have driven him to do this," Raidou answered truthfully, "Hound was the one who pointed out the truth. My temper tantrum might have pushed Genma over the edge, but Gen is not one to give up like this. There is more going on and now I think I know part of what broke him enough to slash his wrists open to the bone. Was there another nin on that damn mission with my Gen, Ibiki?"

"No, there wasn't and you are not to get involved in this investigation," Ibiki huffed as Raidou spluttered, "Genma needs you here and not off hunting down the rapist. That is my job and one that I will complete. Do not doubt that. I will bring the man who did this to Genma to justice."

Raidou ground his teeth, but nodded. He couldn't leave Genma alone. Not for a long, long time. He answered the rest of the questions and then was given some hospital scrubs to change into since his clothes were ruined. Raidou was then allowed to walk in numb silence back to the waiting room.

"Rai?"

"Not now, Asuma?"

"Raidou, what is wrong?" Kakashi pushed, handing the man Genma's report, "Ibiki knows about this by the way."

"I know," Raidou gritted out as he began to read over the report quickly, "God, Baby."

"Bad?" Anko asked as Raidou looked up at her and then threw the scroll against the wall, "Very bad then."

"He's _lying_ ," Raidou voiced as most blinked around him, "I know my Gen. I know when he's hiding things. That report is not the whole story and I didn't have to be told…."

"Told what?" Gai asked as Raidou trailed off, "Tell us, Raidou. What has shaken you so badly? This is more than just what Genma attempted to do. Tell us."

Raidou shook and turned away. This wasn't something Genma would want told, but…but his friends could help. Gai shifted behind the scarred jonin and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Raidou?"

"Okay. Anyone else finds this out and I will slaughter every last one of you too quickly for you to blink," Raidou hissed as the group glanced at one another in shock at his words while he spun to face them, "It's not pretty. Genma…My Gen was brutally raped within the last twenty-four hours. It took two days for him to travel home so it couldn't have been his mark. Someone dared to touch and hurt my baby and I need the bastard _found_."

Anko cursed viciously as a murderous wave rose from the gathered jonin.

"Laundry."

Eyes turned to glance at Kakashi in question since he had spoken.

"I'll go sniff around Genma's apartment," Kakashi insisted, tapping his nose as each shinobi's shocked expression were replaced with focused nin, "My sense of smell is nearly as good as any ninken. Nine times out of ten, the clothes that Gen was wearing when he was attacked is in his laundry hamper or the trash. I'll find the man's scent that touched Genma."

"Let me go with you," Aoba decided, "I can send one of my summons to you, Rai, so we can keep you updated. We'll find the bastard that did what he did and then he'll pay for touching one of our own."

Raidou nodded as his friends and comrades stepped up. This was all professional shinobi behavior. Emotions later, action now.

"If you recognize the scent come tell me," Raidou instructed, "I wish to be there when the man is found that did this, understood?"

Kakashi and Aoba nodded before flashing away. Raidou sat and waited. He ignored the arm around his shoulders as he watched the door where the Hokage would emerge. Asuma was a good friend. He ignored Anko gathering the scroll up and tucking the report into her coat. He ignored Gai's pacing as the man's energy overflowed at wanting to help in some fashion. He ignored Kotetsu and Izumo when they skidded around the corner demanding to know if the rumors were true that Genma had slashed his wrists. He ignored Gai as he finally cried manly tears and offered to run thousands of laps as long as his old teammate pulled through. It was Iruka who broke him.

"Oh, Rai," the chunin whispered, bending to kneel and look up into the jonin's lowered face, "Don't blame yourself. Genma would never want that. He loves you too much to want you to be in pain."

Raidou tried to hold the tears in, but he cried finally. He sobbed and held to Iruka as the chunin offered comfort. Raidou knew it was his fault. He should have been there for the man that meant the world to him.

"Oh, God," Raidou choked, pulling away from the chunin while placing his face into his hands once again, "Don't take him from me. Don't take my Gen. I can't live without him. I _can't_."

"Calm down," Asuma instructed, reaching to pat his friend on the back, "Keep it together, Rai. We've not heard anything yet because Genma is still kicking. Just stay calm."

"I want to know how you three chunin found out about Genma," Anko blurted as Raidou looked up and then over to the three men in question, "Well?"

"I saw Kakashi and Aoba. Both looked livid and I knew something was up. It was Aoba that told me Genma was in the hospital for cutting his wrists and asked me to please come and check on Raidou," Iruka replied, "There is more to what is going on with Gen because I can feel it by the way most of you are acting, but Kakashi and Aoba kept their counsel and left like they were on a mission. What about you and Ko, Zumo?"

"I had to peel Ko off of a medic nin who said…well the man was pretty insulting of Genma and basically said that Gen did the right thing by trying to commit suicide since a whore shouldn't be a Konoha shinobi. Kotetsu taught the medic nin to respect our friend a little better and then we ran here. There are other rumors going about too that are wilder. Like Genma was a traitor and tried to end himself before he was caught or that he tried to swallow a handful of senbon. Shinobi gossip is pretty stupid when you think hard about what you hear."

"Bastards," Kotetsu fussed, rubbing at his hand.

"Ko, you need to have that hand looked at," Izumo pointed out, reaching to see the swollen knuckles, "I think you broke some bones here."

"After we find out about Genma."

"No, now," Raidou decided, looking at the hand resting in Izumo's palm, "Gen would have my head if he knew I allowed you to sit here in pain, Ko. Zumo, take Ko to get his hand healed and I'll send someone to let you two know if there is any news on Genma."

"Hai," Kotetsu agreed and stood to follow Izumo before pausing when Raidou called his name.

"Thank you for standing up for Gen. You did more for a friend than I did for my boyfriend today. You and Izumo show true honor every day and I'm glad to have you two as comrades."

The two chunin blushed and bowed to Raidou before Izumo pulled Kotetsu away to see a doctor. Raidou focused back on the same door he'd been staring at and leapt up when Lady Tsunade stepped through the door about an hour later.

"How is he?" Raidou demanded as his Hokage sighed.

"We've patched his wrists up as best we could for the moment," Tsunade began as the others gathered to listen, "The blood transfusions were administered in time to keep his heart beating, but he's weak and has the mind set to give up. Raidou, he is in a very deep sleep that I fear he won't wake from if we can't convince him to want to live. The next few hours are critical."

"May I see him?" Raidou begged, "Please, Hokage-sama."

"Of course, but he doesn't look good so brace yourself," Tsunade ordered as the jonin nodded and the pair walked down a hall to a room with a large observation window after Iruka agreed to go tell Kotetsu and Izumo about Genma, "I've placed him on a ventilator for right now. I don't want him using energy for anything, but healing for the moment. His lungs are fine so don't worry about that."

Raidou glanced into the window and hurried to follow the lady into Genma's room. His lover was still white as a ghost with a tube down his throat forcing him to keep breathing, but the blood had been cleaned from his hair. Each of Gen's wrists were carefully wrapped in bandage and covered by what looked like armguards to hold the unconscious man's wrists as still as possible. The bruising on Genma's face had been covered by a bandage and the jonin wanted to punch himself for leaving a single mark on his boyfriend. The restraints made him see red.

"What the hell is this?" Raidou demanded, gesturing angrily to the padded straps.

"Raidou, Genma attempted to commit suicide showing his mind is in a very dark place," Tsunade explained, "Restraints are standard procedure so we can keep a second attempt of killing oneself from happening. I'm sorry. Until he is cleared by a psych-nin, Genma is on suicide watch and cannot be allowed to stay alone or be unrestrained until further notice."

"The damage from the attack?" Raidou questioned, accepting the need of the restraints for right now, "How badly was he injured down there?"

"Pretty badly," Tsunade admitted as Raidou cursed, "Soft tissue is easy to heal with medical jutsu so most damage has been cleaned and treated. He'll have no lasting physical damage from the rape. Emotional damage…we'll have to wait and see."

"Any evidence found on Gen that can confirm a suspect who did this to him?"

"That isn't your business."

"I beg to _differ_ , Hokage-sama. Someone attacked and raped my lover. I might not be a part of the investigative team, but I still would like to know that there is physical evidence that can be used to prove who hurt my Gen."

Lady Tsunade stayed silent for a long time before finally nodding.

"I have enough physical evidence to do DNA matching," Tsunade allowed as Raidou showed his teeth in satisfaction, "The next twenty-four hours are critical, Raidou. Talk to him. Apologize. Just do whatever you can to convince Genma to keep fighting. He wants to die. Give him a reason to want to live instead."

"Hai, Hokage-sama," Raidou agreed and pulled a chair up to be closer to the still man as the lady left to do other duties while he reached to stroke Genma's hair since he couldn't hold the nin's injured hands.

Pain filled his chest as he gazed at a man that had always been full of energy beneath the cool exterior. Genma has once been living fire and now…now he looked breakable.

"Gen? Baby, I'm here now," Raidou spoke, continuing to stroke the soft hair so that his boyfriend might know that he wasn't alone, "I'm so sorry, Genma. I'm sorry for acting a fool in the mission room. I'm sorry for going off about a mission that you couldn't refuse and hurting you so badly. I will never call you such a horrible name again. You are not a whore, Gen, and I am so sorry for accusing you of being one. I could just kick myself. Please don't give up because I love you and I need to show you that so you might take me back and allow me to treat you as you always should have been treated. I'll never doubt you again, Baby. I promise."

Raidou felt the tears falling, but continued trying to coax a response out of Genma. He felt he'd talk for a good couple of hours when a tapping at the window pulled the jonin's attentions so he wiped the tears and stood quickly.

"Kakashi?" Raidou asked as he opened the window for the nin to jump inside, "I thought Aoba was going to send one of his birds."

"He is working with Ibiki to sift through Gen's apartment," Kakashi explained before growing silent as he stared at Genma, "How is he?"

"Not well," Raidou moaned, turning to glance at his lover, "I need to try and get him to wake up by speaking with him so give me your report quickly. I'm sorry to be so short with you."

"Not a problem. I understand," Kakashi assured, "Ibiki had gotten to Gen's apartment first, but I was able to find Genma's clothes that he was wearing when he was attacked. Sure enough if he hadn't placed them into the garbage. It is clear that he'd put up a fight while the rape happened and…Raidou there was a lot of blood intermingled in what I found. Genma must have changed into a spare uniform he brought along on his mission before reaching the village to hide what happened to him."

"The scent?" Raidou demanded, feeling the simmering rage bubbling again, "Do you know who the person was who attacked my Gen?"

"No one that we know," Kakashi huffed, "But I found this and hid it from Ibiki."

Raidou blinked as a bound journal was handed to him. The man quickly opened the book and thumbed through some of the pages.

"Coded," Kakashi pointed out as Raidou nodded, "I've never seen a code like this before. I think this was kind of like a diary to Gen and it looks really old, but the last entry is written in fresh ink and only smells hours old. Maybe who attacked Genma is hidden in this code and I hope that you'd be able to decipher this quicker than Ibiki's people. Do you know Genma's methods of coding?"

"Some of them," Raidou agreed, "However, Baby has come up with many codes that he keeps to himself, but I might be able to crack this one if I work at it. This could very well give us the information we need."

"I've got Asuma, Gai, and my ninken waiting for me, Rai," the Copy-nin said, hopping on the window seal, "I'm going to try and hunt down the bastard that did this, but see what you can do with that journal."

"I will. Thank you, Kakashi," Raidou agreed, watching as the Copy-nin leapt to a nearby tree as he closed the window, "Okay, Genma. Let's see about this book of yours. I think I just might be trying to read a personal journal, but I need to know who hurt you so please forgive my nosiness."

The jonin began working on the code as he kept up a one-sided conversation with the silent man in the bed. The code was odd, but very similar to one of Genma's favorite methods to camouflage messages. Raidou looked up at the sound of raised voices and then stood as someone slipped into the room.

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Four**

Raidou blinked as a bound journal was handed to him. The man quickly opened the book and thumbed through some of the pages.

"Coded," Kakashi pointed out as Raidou nodded, "I've never seen a code like this before. I think this was kind of like a diary to Gen and it looks really old, but the last entry is written in fresh ink and only smells hours old. Maybe who attacked Genma is hidden in this code and I hope that you'd be able to decipher this quicker than Ibiki's people. Do you know Genma's methods of coding?"

"Some of them," Raidou agreed, "However, Baby has come up with many codes that he keeps to himself, but I might be able to crack this one if I work at it. This could very well give us the information we need."

"I've got Asuma, Gai, and my ninken waiting for me, Rai," the Copy-nin said, hopping on the window seal, "I'm going to try and hunt down the bastard that did this, but see what you can do with that journal."

"I will. Thank you, Kakashi," Raidou agreed, watching as the Copy-nin leapt to a nearby tree as he closed the window, "Okay, Genma. Let's see about this book of yours. I think I just might be trying to read a personal journal, but I need to know who hurt you so please forgive my nosiness."

The jonin began working on the code as he kept up a one-sided conversation with the silent man in the bed. The code was odd, but very similar to one of Genma's favorite methods to camouflage messages. Raidou looked up at the sound of raised voices and then stood as someone slipped into the room.

"Ryo Shiranui?" Raidou asked as the younger man continued staring in horror at his older brother, "Remain calm. Your aniki cannot handle negativity right now. I'm sure you've been told that we need to remind Genma why he needs to wake up again."

"How did this happen?" Ryo choked as the jonin sighed.

"There was too much heaping upon your brother and he just…he's hurting," Raidou tried to explain, "I'm sure he is glad to hear your voice and feel you so near."

The young man nodded as he continued to look mournfully at his brother. Ryo looked nothing like Genma with his blue eyes and dark brown hair. In fact, both Ryo and his older sister looked just like their father. Genma had taken after their mother.

"I just can't believe…is it true?" Ryo asked as the shinobi cocked his head in question, "Did…did Oniisan really try to kill himself?"

Raidou sighed and looked down as the younger man gasped.

" _Why_? He's…Genma's always been so strong and independent. Why would he do something like this?"

"Your brother's been hurt bad," Raidou tried to explain, "The pain of what he was going through grew to be too much and Genma…Gen couldn't deal with that pain and tried to find a way to escape it. I wasn't there for your brother when he needed me the most and…"

"No one's usually there for Oniisan," Ryo interrupted, reaching hesitantly for Genma's hand, but pulling away before he ever touched his brother due to the heavily bandaged wrists, "He's always been alone. That is what I remember growing up. Father or our Oneesan always sent him away to do whatever when I was near. I wasn't allowed to play with him, but Aniki did little things in secret to let me know he was there if I ever needed him. He was always silent and still in the house. I remember seeing him out in the village and that Oniisan was a lot different from the one I knew from home. That Genma seemed happier."

Ryo and Raidou both jumped when Goro Shiranui slid the door open suddenly looking furious.

"Damn weak _brat_ ," Shiranui-san growled as Tsunade hurried into the room after the irate man, "Always acting out. Bringing shame on our family. You should have cut deeper so I'd finally be rid of you, Boy!"

Raidou didn't remember moving, but his fist connected hard with the older man's face as Goro fell hard to the floor.

"Stand down, Namiashi," Tsunade ordered as Raidou stood with shaking fists clenched, wanting to lash out again, "Leave, Shiranui-san. You are not needed here if you feel that way about one of Konoha's honorable shinobi. I did not notify you to come and yell at your son who is currently in such a fragile condition."

Raidou shook in his anger. How could a father be so cold towards their own child? Genma could still die and his own parent seemed to want that to happen. What in the world?

"Genma's your son," Raidou whispered, glancing back to his lover, "How could you say that? Can't you have some feeling for your child who was hurting enough to attempt to end his life? What is wrong with you?"

"Please. Father has been drinking," Ryo insisted, trying to defuse the situation, "I'm sure he is just shocked and doesn't realize what he is saying. I'm sure he hurts that Oniisan has tried this, right, Father? You couldn't have meant what you said."

"I hate him."

Everyone blinked as Shiranui-san stood from the floor and wiped the blood from the cut on his cheek.

"Aiko-chan, my beautiful wife, was everything to me, but the doctor's told her no more children after that thing in the bed was born, but she wanted a big family. She brought into the world my beautiful daughter first and last my handsome Ryo, but she died. She _died_ and _left_ me a damn brat with my Aiko's beautiful eyes. I hated to look at Genma. Hated to see what I lost when he'd move and I'd see my wife in his body language. I saw her even when I tried to starve or beat her out of him, but the boy never once complained or fought back. I knew the kid was weak and I'm not surprised by him recognizing that and finally trying to end his pathetic existence. I was glad Genma wanted to be a shinobi like his mother and hoped that each mission he went on would be that brat's last. Didn't want him tainting my family's name anymore."

Everything remained silent until Ryo choked and ran from the room while his father took chase. Raidou gasped and covered his mouth as foul curses tried to escape him. The glaring truth was too horrifying to believe.

"Gen…Gen was _abused_ as a child," Raidou breathed as Tsunade sat in a chair with dawning horror on her face, "Oh, my God! I never knew. He never said anything or even hinted that his home life was so hard."

"Sounds like the abuse began once his mother died," the Hokage snarled, "If I'm remembering the information from his file correctly, Genma couldn't have been more than five when the man turned on his own son. That means that he grew up being neglected and abused so it all seemed perfectly normal for him. Genma didn't fight back or ask for help because he accepted everything for what it was. He wasn't cared for so he learned to survive the best he could. Shows me where his stubborn nature comes from. Genma has tried his whole life to keep going forward to overcome a lot of painful obstacles. It's a wonder he hasn't broken before this."

"I _don't_ want that man around Genma again," Raidou hissed, "He's _not_ to step one more foot in this room. He is _no_ true parent!"

"Done," Tsunade agreed as Raidou turned back to his lover.

"Gen? Baby, your father is an asshole. His words are wrong. So wrong," Raidou groaned, reaching to stroke the man's hair once again, "You are not weak and I wish I had known that your father was hurting you because my parents and I would have helped you, Genma. I will never allow him near you again. I'm going to keep you safe, Baby, just stay with me. Keep fighting for me and wake up as soon as you can."

"I'm sorry, Genma," Tsunade added as Raidou glanced to her sharply, "Konoha has failed you. The Third, Fourth, and I should have seen your suffering. We should have realized that you were dealing with too much at such a young age. I wish I could turn back time and get you the help you needed before you ever tried to end your life."

"I wish the same," Raidou said, continuing to stroke Genma's hair, "What more have you been through that we don't know, Gen?"

"What is this?"

Raidou looked and saw the Hokage holding up Genma's journal so he explained what he was trying to do.

"I've not seen code like this," Tsunade whistled, glancing through the pages, "Have you decoded this yet?"

"No, but I think I'm getting close," Raidou answered, "Gen has another code that is similar and I'm beginning to see a pattern. Some words are already coming together."

"I know that Kakashi is hunting," Tsunade spoke up as Raidou kept his composure, "Sources tell me that Hound is back."

"Hound was the one that smelled Genma's blood," Raidou admitted as the Hokage nodded, "He stepped back once when I asked him to, but you know Hound. He'll not stop until he finds the man who raped my Gen and I'm glad."

"Hn," Tsunade grunted, "I want to be informed as soon as you've decoded this journal or if either Hound or Kakashi comes to you, understood?"

"Hai, Hokage-sama," Raidou agreed as the lady left, "Gen, you are a very, very clever man, do you know that? You've included several codes within one to throw people off. Baby…"

Raidou choked as he gazed to his still lover and felt the prick of tears.

"I love you," Raidou whimpered, leaning to kiss Genma on his forehead, "I love you so much. You are such a brave, strong man. You never turned to hatred when your family practically abandoned you. Please open your beautiful eyes. Open your eyes, Baby. Come back to me, Gen. Please, Baby. It's time for you to know a life free of pain. I love you. I love you, Genma Shiranui. Don't leave me. I need you so much."

Raidou swallowed and got his emotions back under control as he listened to the slow beeps of the heart monitor and the hiss of the ventilator. Genma needed him strong so he settled back into his chair and continued to encourage his boyfriend to wake while working on figuring out his lover's code.

T.T

Genma sat in total darkness. He sat and waited for death that was creeping nearer. He welcomed the idea of finally leaving. Finally having some peace, but then garbled voices reached him and he felt himself pulled towards a light he didn't want to touch. Stubborn anger reared and he planted his feet firmly and refused to move.

" _Don't do this to me, Genma. Come on. His veins are beginning to collapse. Shizune, set up a new site for the blood transfusion. You are too strong to give up like this, Genma. Fight for me. Your Hokage is ordering you to fight, Jonin."_

Genma blinked at the voice. That was Tsunade, but wasn't he dead yet? And why was she calling him strong? The Hokage thought he was weak. He was confused and he hurt terribly and he didn't want to follow her orders, but he was shinobi and pledged to serve the Hokage. So he'd try to follow the orders despite not wanting to.

" _Lady Tsunade, there is…oh, my God! Look at this! He's torn to shreds."_

" _This can't be…Shizune, bring me a rape kit. Genma, what the hell happened to you? Who did this and why didn't you report an attack like this? Hurry, Shizune!_

The jonin shuddered within the darkness. They knew. They knew his shame.

"Do you see now, Lady Tsunade?" Genma moaned, curling where he sat, "You were right the first time. I'm weak and incapable of even fending off an enemy. I'm tainted and glad that Raidou left me. I don't want him knowing the truth. I'm nothing, but a whore who screamed and cried within my mind like some weak child when I was taken against my will. Just let me go. Let me have some peace finally."

Genma curled into a tighter ball and reached for the beckoning death. He was ready now. Ready to stop feeling like this. Ready to have the title of "Deceased." The only title that would be forced on him that he didn't mind.

" _Any evidence found on Gen that can confirm a suspect who did this to him?"_

" _That isn't your business."_

Oh, God! That was Raidou's voice talking to Lady Tsunade. Raidou knew the truth. The Hokage Bitch had told the one person he never wished to know he'd been repeatedly raped, but Raidou's next words stunned Genma into shocked awe.

" _I beg to differ, Hokage-sama. Someone attacked and raped my lover. I might not be a part of the investigative team, but I still would like to know that there is physical evidence that can be used to prove who hurt my Gen."_

"'My Gen?'" Genma whispered, "'Lover?' I don't understand. He dumped me. H-he called me a whore and punched me in the face. Raidou told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I don't understand."

" _Gen? Baby, I'm here now. I'm so sorry, Genma. I'm sorry for acting a fool in the mission room. I'm sorry for going off about a mission that you couldn't refuse and hurting you so badly. I will never call you such a horrible name again. You are not a whore, Gen, and I am so sorry for accusing you of being one. I could just kick myself. Please don't give up because I love you and I need to show you that so you might take me back and allow me to treat you as you always should have been treated. I'll never doubt you again, Baby. I promise."_

Raidou still loved him and felt bad about what he'd said and done? Disbelief warred with anger.

"Sorry can't make up for what you did," Genma hissed, turning from the bit of light he'd been pulled towards, "I'm tired. I'm tired of jumping through hoops and having titles forced on me. I'm sick of trying so hard to only get spit in the face, Rai. You should have never doubted me to begin with. Your words are empty nothings. Go _away_!"

His anger festered, but Raidou's voice continued talking and Genma realized that his ex was crying. Raidou was crying for him and the sound was pulling at Genma's heart. Raidou never cried and here he was crying for…for him. Confusion filled him as he turned to glance at the light over his shoulder.

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Five**

" _Gen? Baby, I'm here now. I'm so sorry, Genma. I'm sorry for acting a fool in the mission room. I'm sorry for going off about a mission that you couldn't refuse and hurting you so badly. I will never call you such a horrible name again. You are not a whore, Gen, and I am so sorry for accusing you of being one. I could just kick myself. Please don't give up because I love you and I need to show you that so you might take me back and allow me to treat you as you always should have been treated. I'll never doubt you again, Baby. I promise."_

Raidou still loved him and felt bad about what he'd said and done? Disbelief warred with anger.

"Sorry can't make up for what you did," Genma hissed, turning from the bit of light he'd been pulled towards, "I'm tired. I'm tired of jumping through hoops and having titles forced on me. I'm sick of trying so hard to only get spit in the face, Rai. You should have never doubted me to begin with. Your words are empty nothings. Go _away_!"

His anger festered, but Raidou's voice continued talking and Genma realized that his ex was crying. Raidou was crying for him and the sound was pulling at Genma's heart. Raidou never cried and here he was crying for…for him. Confusion filled him as he turned to glance at the light over his shoulder.

" _Why? He's…Genma's always been so strong and independent. Why would he do something like this?"_

Genma cringed at the voice of his otouto. Great! Father was going to be angry. Neither Father nor his sister liked Ryo interacting with him and now he'd upset his brother and set a bad example. He wished he'd chosen a better way to end things quicker.

" _Your brother's been hurt bad. The pain of what he was going through grew to be too much and Genma…Gen couldn't deal with that pain and tried to find a way to escape it. I wasn't there for your brother when he needed me the most and…"_

Raidou was trying to blame himself? No! All of this was his fault. His for being too weak to fend off the attackers. His for never being able to prove himself to anybody no matter how hard he tried. His for being Genma. It sucked to be Genma Shiranui and he couldn't figure out why.

" _No one's usually there for Oniisan. He's always been alone. That is what I remember growing up. Father or our Oneesan always sent him away to do whatever when I was near. I wasn't allowed to play with him, but Aniki did little things in secret to let me know he was there if I ever needed him. He was always silent and still in the house._ _I remember seeing him out in the village and that Oniisan was a lot different from the one I knew from home. That Genma seemed happier."_

"You knew?" Genma questioned after having listened to his brother's voice, "I thought you never noticed, Ryo-chan. I thought…I thought you were oblivious to what I went through. Could I have been wrong? Did you really see what was happening?"

" _Damn weak brat. Always acting out. Bringing shame on our family. You should have cut deeper so I'd finally be rid of you, Boy!"_

Genma cringed at his father's voice and sighed. Typical Father. The man would have been happy if he'd died and now Ryo and Raidou was hearing his greatest shame. He wasn't loved by his last, remaining parent for reasons he couldn't fathom, but the sound of a fist connecting with flesh gave him pause.

" _Stand down. Leave, Shiranui-san. You are not needed here if you feel that way about one of Konoha's honorable shinobi."_

" _Genma's your son. How could you say that? Can't you have some feeling for your child who was hurting enough to attempt to end his life? What is wrong with you?"_

The sound of the punch. Genma knew without being told. Raidou had struck his father. His ex's voice was livid and full of rage. Genma blinked. Raidou was defending him and the Hokage had referred to him as "honorable." How was this possible? His father's next words brought out the feelings of abandonment as he finally heard why it was that he'd become the outcast of the family.

" _I hate him. Aiko-chan, my beautiful wife, was everything to me, but the doctor's told her no more children after that thing in the bed was born, but she wanted a big family. She brought into the world my beautiful daughter and last my handsome Ryo, but she died. She died and left me a damn brat with my Aiko's beautiful eyes. I hated to look at Genma. Hated to see what I lost when he'd move and I'd see my wife in his body language. I saw her even when I tried to starve or beat her out of him, but the boy never once complained or fought back. I knew the kid was weak and I'm not surprised by him recognizing that and finally trying to end his pathetic existence. I was glad he wanted to be a shinobi like his mother and hoped that each mission he went on would be that brat's last. Didn't want him tainting my family's name anymore."_

"So…so you hate me because I look like Kaasan?" Genma stuttered, "How? How is that my fault? I can't help that I look like my kaasan."

Genma shuddered as he tried to wrap his mind around everything. He'd been abused his whole life for resembling his father's dead wife? He remember his kassan as being full of life and bright as a star. He'd been blamed for his kaasan's passing, but she'd always been tiny and had been told not to have more children. Aiko Shiranui was as stubborn as her son and did what she wanted to do. She wasn't weak.

"And neither am I," Genma spat, "I'm my kaasan's son and I feel no shame in that, Father. None! Kaasan was the most wonderful woman in the world and if I'm even a little like her then that makes me proud."

Sighing, Genma heard his brother's departure and ached to hear the upset in Ryo's gasp. He heard Raidou's horror at finding out the truth as shame filled Genma that his ex knew this part of his life, but Tsunade's words shocked him.

" _Sounds like the abuse began once his mother died. If I'm remembering the information from his file correctly, Genma_ _couldn't have been more than five when the man turned on his own son. That means that he grew up being neglected and abused so that was just normal for him. Genma didn't fight back or ask for help because he accepted everything for what it was. He wasn't cared for so he learned to survive the best he could. Shows me where his stubborn nature comes from. Genma has tried his whole life to keep going forward to overcome a lot of painful obstacles. It's a wonder he hasn't broken before this."_

The Hokage saw his struggles and seemed to actually understand him a little. This couldn't be real, but then sweet Raidou's angry voice demanded that Genma's father be banned from the room. Everything was so surreal and confusing. Maybe this was all a dream?

" _Gen? Baby, your father is an asshole. His words are wrong. So wrong. You are not weak and I wish I had known that your father was hurting you because my parents and I would have helped you, Genma. I will never allow him near you again. I'm going to keep you safe, Baby, just stay with me. Keep fighting for me and wake up as soon as you can."_

" _I'm sorry, Genma. Konoha has failed you. The Third, Fourth, and I should have seen your suffering. We should have realized that you were dealing with too much at such a young age. I wish I could turn back time and get you the help you needed before you ever tried to end your life."_

This couldn't be real! That wasn't really the Hokage just now. None of this was really happening. Raidou hated him and everyone thought he was a weak whore and his family didn't care and he was dying. That was what he wanted, so come on, Death. Get this over with because he was sick of listening to lies, but then he felt a kiss to his forehead as Raidou voice rang out.

" _I love you. I love you so much. You are such a brave, strong man. You never turned to hatred when your family practically abandoned you. Please open your beautiful eyes. Open your eyes, Baby. Come back to me, Gen. Please, Baby. It's time for you to know a life free of pain. I love you. I love you, Genma Shiranui. Don't leave me. I need you so much."_

"This isn't real," Genma choked, "I won't believe any of this. No one loves me. No one has ever really loved me because…because you wouldn't have struck me if you loved me, Rai. You were the only one that I've ever trusted and you hurt me too. Please just let me die in peace."

" _I go where you go, Baby. I will follow you anywhere. I can't live without you, Genma, so if you try to leave…I'm coming too."_

Stunned, Genma gasped. Was Raidou really saying…no _way_!

T.T

Raidou startled as Genma's heart monitor gave an odd skip before settling back into its slow rhythm from before. He couldn't help the smile as the rising sun began to peek through the window.

"So you _are_ hearing me," Raidou chuckled, stroking Genma's hair, "Silly, Gen. Do you really think I'd ever be able to remain here if you don't walk this earth? I can't, Baby. Let's see. I think I've gotten the gist of your journal."

Raidou kissed his lover's cheek and settled to read the last entry and stiffened as he finally began putting some pieces together.

"Nurse!" Raidou yelled as he stood and slammed Genma's door open as a young man scuttled over, "Tell the Hokage that I've decoded some information she needs to hear. Go now!"

It was both Tsunade and Ibiki that showed up a few moments later.

"You have news?" Ibiki demanded as Raidou turned to him looking stiff and angry.

"You sent Genma into a den of missing nin," Raidou hissed as Ibiki and Tsunade blinked, "The mark payed off two of those nin to help hunt my lover down. They attacked him hours from the village. Genma was overcome by the men and held down as he was brutalized. The fuckers took turns!"

"Calm down," Tsunade ordered as the jonin snarled.

"What kind of intel did you have on where you were sending Genma?" Raidou bit out, "Shinobi are never sent alone in situations where there is a possibility of being overwhelmed like this. My baby had no one to protect his back! What the _fuck,_ Hokage-sama!"

Ibiki sighed and shook his head as Lady Tsunade stepped back at the look in Raidou's eyes.

"The intel we had was wrong," Tsunade finally groaned, rubbing at her forehead, "Genma was sent after what we thought was a small-time criminal head who was after a family that had stood up to his thugs. I had no idea that this man had missing nin as resources."

"Great to know now," Raidou groaned, looking away, "They touched him. He fought as they tore him. It was _agony_ for Gen!"

"He never screamed."

Raidou, Ibiki, and Tsunade turned while Hound stalked through the door, dripping someone else's blood as he gazed at all three with mismatched eyes. Gai hovered close with Asuma limping up behind the Copy-nin.

"Hound?" Raidou questioned as the former Anbu glanced to him.

"Tracked down two missing nin," Hound reported, "Found them with another missing nin, boasting of riding a 'Konoha whore.' They tried to get Shiranui-san to scream, but he stayed silent. Refused to give in or show his pain which pissed them off. Killed two slowly, but _they_ caught up to me before I could finish my hunt. Bastards."

Everyone glanced to Gai and Asuma while the two shinobi grimaced as the Copy-nin hissed in anger at the two. Hound hated to be questioned or interrupted.

"Gai pulled Hound away while I grabbed the last one alive," Asuma tiredly stated, "That one is already in one of your cells, Ibiki, but he's pretty banged up. Not sure what information we can garner. Man won't last long."

"Man's name is Sho Hizaki. Missing nin from Sand who can use wind to tie a shinobi to the ground," Hound rattled off, "One of the three who forced himself on Shiranui-san and the one who ultimately allowed the rape to occur. That means one of the rapists is dead. Man who hired Hizaki was Shiranui-san's mark—Eito Miyazaki. Miyazaki's trail leads in another direction. My pack is tracking him now. I don't appreciate having my hunt disturbed."

"You will stand down," Tsunade instructed as Hound growled low, "Hound, you've done your job. I'll send another team to bring back Eito Miyazaki."

"My hunt!"

Hound lashed out when Ibiki tried to hit a pressure point to knock him out, but it was Raidou that shoved the former Anbu against the wall.

"Not here," Raidou snapped as the mismatched eyes regarded him and then grunted when the scarred jonin forced his head around to look at the still man in the hospital bed, "Not around my Gen. You've done well, Hound, but you are not needed at the moment. Kakashi, get yourself under control."

Tension remained for several long moment until the silver-haired jonin relaxed.

"I know I'm pretty, but in front of your boyfriend, Rai," Kakashi drawled as Raidou pulled away from him in disgust while the Copy-nin covered his red eye, "Sorry. Hound gets a little out of hand when there is blood in the air. Did I hurt you or Asuma, Gai?"

"No, Rival," Gai assured, "Got a lucky hit on Asuma though. He was most not hip when his voice sounded like a twelve-year old girl."

"Shut up!" Asuma moaned as he turned red while Kakashi flushed in embarrassment at having struck a friend.

Raidou drowned out the voices as he tried to get his emotions back under control. One rapist dead, one in confinement, and one to go. He wanted so bad to be a part of the team to hunt down Miyazaki, but Gen needed him here. Raidou glanced to Genma and froze for only half a second.

"Gen? Genma?" Raidou gasped, racing to the twitching man as the heart monitor showed an irregular beat, "Lady Tsunade!"

Genma's twitching was turning into a full blown seizure or fit of some kind.

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Six**

"I know I'm pretty, but in front of your boyfriend, Rai," Kakashi drawled as Raidou pulled away from him in disgust while the Copy-nin covered his red eye, "Sorry. Hound gets a little out of hand when there is blood in the air. Did I hurt you or Asuma, Gai?"

"No, Rival," Gai assured, "Got a lucky hit on Asuma though. He was most not hip when his voice sounded like a twelve-year old girl."

"Shut up!" Asuma moaned as he turned red while Kakashi flushed in embarrassment at having struck a friend.

Raidou drowned out the voices as he tried to get his emotions back under control. One rapist dead, one in confinement, and one to go. He wanted so bad to be a part of the team to hunt down Miyazaki, but Gen needed him here. Raidou glanced to Genma and froze for only half a second.

"Gen? Genma?" Raidou gasped, racing to the twitching man as the heart monitor showed an irregular beat, "Lady Tsunade!"

Genma's twitching was turning into a full blown seizure or fit of some kind.

"Move," Tsunade insisted, accidently hurling Raidou several feet back as Gai caught the jonin, "Get out of here! Genma's heart is failing!"

"No!" Raidou yelled, fighting as more hands grabbed at him, "I'm staying! I can't leave my Gen! Let me go! Let go! Genma, don't do this! Let go!"

"Get him out of here, Ibiki," Tsunade snapped as medical nin flew through the door at the summons they had received, "Raidou, you can't get in the way if you want me to try and save Genma. Get out."

Raidou allowed himself to be pulled from the room. He was numb as he was herded back to the waiting room and sat beside Iruka. He barely noted the voices asking questions around him as his heart and mind remained within the room that housed the one he loved. Aoba was back and was being filled in by Anko. Raidou was aware enough to realize that the three chunin within the group were still in the dark about Genma's attack so none of the jonin had revealed Gen's private information. Good.

"Read this for me, Namiashi-san."

Raidou looked up to see Ibiki holding out Genma's journal.

"Read this, Raidou," Ibiki instructed again, "The Hokage will do what she can to save Genma, but his state of mind will be fractured. He'll need therapy and knowing some of Genma's thoughts and feelings will help us be able to aid Shiranui-san in putting his mind back together again. Genma's strong, but we missed the cracks that were leading to his breaking. Read this."

The jonin accepted the book and glanced to his friends and comrades. They were all looking at him with encouraging eyes.

"I've got a notebook for you to take notes," Iruka offered, holding the pad out to him.

"I've got a pen," Kotetsu voiced, patting his pockets with his left hand since his right arm was in a sling, "Zumo, help me find the damn thing. I'm not as good with my non-dominant hand."

"Hai, hai," Izumo agreed, finding the pen as Raidou reached to take the offered items, "Gen won't die, Rai. He's too stubborn and strong so read that thing to discover what has been hurting him. Then we can help him heal."

Raidou glanced to what he held in each hand while the numbness slowly ebbed.

"Hai," Raidou agreed finally, "Gen is strong. He won't leave. He won't."

Despite his words, Raidou still felt fear pricking at his heart. He knew what Ibiki was doing. Distraction, but if Genma did pull through, the information in the journal could be invaluable for helping a therapist understand the working of Gen's mind. So he opened to the first page and began reading. This was a type of diary. Genma hadn't written in the journal every day, but he had put pen to paper when his heart was overflowing. It hurt to read the first childish scratchings.

"Today I snuck into my otouto's room. Ryo-chan is so small and cute. I've not been allowed to see him yet. I was punished for asking. Father is always angry and always yelling at me. It's like he hates me now and Oneesan is so cold. I miss Kaasan. I miss her singing and teaching me her jutsus and her hugs. I don't understand what I've done wrong. The house doesn't feel like home anymore."

The next entry was very telling.

"Ryo-chan is getting so big. He can sit up on his own now. He'll look just like Father. He is the only one that makes my sire smile anymore. I try to stay quiet and out of sight. When Father sees me he stops smiling. He gets angry and his fists hurt. I had to lie to my sensei and say the broken rib she found was from training with Rai-chan. I was told to eat protein to help the bone knit, but Father doesn't let me eat the good food anymore. I'm getting used to ration bars. They are not so bad if you try to convince your mind that you're eating cookies. It is just hard. Hard to try and live this new life when I remember my old one when Kaasan was here and Father and Oneesan still loved me too. Kaasan often said shinobi lived hard lives and need to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of what happens in life. I'll be strong like Kaasan told me to be. What more is there to do? I don't like that I'm an outcast in my family now, but it just is what it is sometimes. I guess sometimes love runs out for certain people in a family. Otouto needs that love more so I'll be fine because I'm shinobi."

Raidou wrote what he knew of the abuse and noted Genma's rationalization abilities. The man's sense of survival was strong, but he had written off behaviors from his family thinking that what was happening was normal life and not true abuse.

"Gen, you listened to your mother too well," Raidou sighed to himself, "Shinobi do live hard lives, but not as children. You had no sense that you needed to be protected as much as your little brother. You accepted things too much and just continued forward. I wish I had known."

Each entry followed Genma's through his growing years. The man had suffered alone and his pain at feeling betrayed by Ebisu as a mite of a genin was clear. God dammit! His father had even made his own son hand over his earnings each month. No wonder Gen had rarely bought anything when he was invited out with friends as a youth and always seemed on the tiny side due to lack of proper nutrition. There was also a pattern repeating in the entries. Genma didn't like being given titles.

"Gai, go get Ebisu," Raidou ordered as the nin in green glanced up at him, "I'm sorry, but the man must die. Go on."

"Um," Gai hummed thoughtfully, "Can I ask why Ebisu must die before I go fetch my often snobbish, but youthful comrade?"

"He hurt Genma when you three were genin," Raidou explained, "Blamed Gen for you getting hurt on a mission."

"When Genma was hit with the genjutsu?" Gai asked as Raidou nodded, "I clobbered Ebisu for that one, Raidou. In fact, Kakashi here pulled me off of some other genins who were calling Genma lazy and undependable once I got out of the hospital because of Ebisu's gossiping. Clobbered him again for that one."

"I remember when you laid into those genin," Kakashi nodded out, "You were screaming at everyone that Genma was no coward and that Gen had stepped in and took that genjutsu that was aimed at you. No one listened. Shinobi love gossip, but, Raidou, you can't kill Ebisu. Ibiki won't be happy."

"I would not be," Ibiki grunted.

Raidou huffed and noted that Genma had developed trust issues stemming from his neglect and abuse by his family and feeling betrayed by his comrades. Trust issues was always a bane for shinobi, but Gen's ran deeper than most.

"Rai, what did Gen see in that genjutsu?" Gai asked as the scarred jonin saw everyone's eyes on him, "I've never seen Genma that shaken before and he refused to speak about what he saw."

"He saw his father wanting to kill him out of pure hatred," Raidou answered as gasps rang out, "The vision struck too close to home for Genma since he'd been dealing with neglect and abuse from his family. He was nearly broken that day and Ebisu didn't help things by poking at Gen until he finally lost his temper. I hope that man is real happy with himself once he hears about Genma's attempt on his own life. The man is an ass and has always been one."

Raidou tuned out the others as he continued his reading. He frowned to see how much Genma hated being given labels. Hissing to himself, Raidou noted that Genma is not and never was a playboy and hated this interpretation. He remembered going along with that when younger.

"I was so stupid," Raidou thought before pausing as a hand touched his shoulder.

"Is…is there anything in there around the time my father died?" Asuma asked as Raidou blinked, "Rai, I was hurting and I said some truly awful things to Genma on the day my father passed. I apologized and he accepted my apology later, but I'm sure my words stuck with him. I was horrible then and Genma was the easiest to blame."

Raidou glared up at Asuma and scanned through a few more passages before finding the one that Asuma was referring to.

"I've already noted trust issues," Raidou bit out, slapping Asuma's hand from his shoulders, "I can't believe you said that to Genma. How could you?"

"I was wrong," Asuma groaned as Raidou sighed.

"I was too when I yelled at Gen in the mission room," Raidou spat, "But don't you see what has continued to happen to Genma?"

"Tell us," Iruka urged.

"Gen's been trying to move forward, but any mistake he makes or quirk that are his own are used against him. It's like he can't be himself or it's wrong to be Genma Shiranui," Raidou fussed, "He hated being given names or titles. He was never undependable, cowardly, a playboy, or any other name that was thrown his way. We kept putting him in a box for others to poke fun at. He's always been on the outside looking in and it has been wearing him down."

"I know what that feels like," Kakashi whispered as Gai looked at him sharply, "It gets old after a while. I think that is possibly how Hound developed. Hound didn't hear the gossip that can cut into a person. Hound only focuses on missions."

The Copy-nin stood and walked away without looking at anyone.

"Multiple personality disorder?" Izumo finally asked as some amused snorts met his question.

"Not at all," Ibiki denied, "Hound is Kakashi in absolute Anbu Hunter mode. Hound _is_ Kakashi with no emotions besides duty, controlled anger, and reasoning. Not a different personality, per say, but a way for Kakashi to deal with difficult situations without allowing too much emotion to interfere in his duties. You do not want to take on Hound."

"Hound is very, very feral," Gai added, "The Hatake clan is rooted in strong wolf blood kind of like the Inuzuka. Blood can set Hound off, but too much emotion can bring him out too when Kakashi is feeling overwhelmed. Excuse me."

Raidou watched as Gai walked over to Kakashi as the Copy-nin stood stiffly looking out a window. Gai would calm Kakashi down before Hound stepped in.

"I'm sorry," Anko blurted as Raidou glanced to her, "I love to tease. I've teased Genma a lot and probably started a lot of the gossip that has hurt him over the years. I swear that hurting Gen was never my intentions. Hell, I even teased him about that last mission."

"And _I_ gave him the final blow by calling him a whore. What have I allowed to happen?" Raidou breathed, watching as Gai gently herded Kakashi back to the group, "God, this is all messed up."

The situation was pretty bad. Genma had hidden a lot of pain and the rapes had ripped him up in more ways than just physical. The final blow had been Raidou's betrayal. Was there any way to fix this mess?

"We see the pattern now," Ibiki pointed out as eyes glanced back to him, "The damage is already done, but instead of trying to tease out Genma's issues from a man that will probably lockdown on his emotions once he wakes, we have a clear understanding of his tormented thoughts. That is important in therapy. Genma's issues can be addressed from the very beginning. There is a chance that we can fix the damage done to Shiranui-san's mind if he gets the proper treatment."

"What is going on?" Iruka asked as Raidou glanced to him, "Look, Ko, Zumo, and I are not stupid. There is _something_ that we haven't been told. I know we three are younger than the rest of you and that you guys' relationship is deeper with Gen, but I still don't understand why he's choose to try suicide. There is a part of all of this that we don't know about."

"You broke up with Genma, Rai, and we now know that he was hurting that friends and comrades were throwing doubts on his real self," Kotetsu continued, "Zumo and I were also back in time to hear Genma's otouto laying into his father like no one's business out here. We know about the abuse and Ryo Shiranui is more like his brother than anyone knew, but something else tipped the scale to break Gen."

"Which is Gen's business," Kakashi voiced, "Just know that something bad happened and that those involved are being dealt with. It will be Genma that shares that part of his story if he wishes to and he won't be pushed to do so. The rest of us only were told to be able to find the ones that hurt Gen. Leave that alone. You three are trusted, but the information is not only classified, but very personal."

"Understood," Iruka agreed as Kotetsu and Izumo nodded.

"Raidou."

The scarred jonin looked up and nearly flung himself at the Hokage.

"Genma's heart tried to stop and we had to do another blood transfusion, but he's pulled through" Tsunade explained, "Believe it or not, the stubborn, little bastard was also fighting the ventilator. I wished for him to remain on the machine so he would use more energy healing, but he's determined to breathe on his own. He's settled now and I think you should be near. Go ahead."

"Hai, Hokage-sama," Raidou answered, feeling lighter, as he bowed deeply, "Thank you for saving my Gen once again."

"Raidou," Tsunade called as the jonin turned to leave and then glanced back at her, "Genma will hopefully wake up, but he might react negatively to you being near. Are you strong enough to give him the space he needs while he heals if that is necessary?"

" _Anything_ for Genma," Raidou agreed quickly as the Hokage nodded with pride, "I just want him to get better in both body and mind. I'll wait for him as long as he needs me to wait. I'll…I'll even leave him alone forever if that is what he wants, but I'll always be close if he needs me. Always."

Raidou bowed again and hurried to his boyfriend's room and traded places with a nurse that had been assigned to watch over the nin. Genma was pale, but the tube was no longer down his throat. There was a breathing mask strapped firmly to his lower face.

"Thank you for holding on, Baby," Raidou greeted as he pulled a chair back beside the hospital bed and reached to stroke Genma's cheek so the man could know that he wasn't alone, "I read your journal, Gen. I'm so sorry. I had no idea that you were holding so much pain inside of you. I meant what I said before, Baby, you are an amazing, strong person to get past all that you did in your life. I love you, Genma. I love your passion, your drive, and your strength."

To be continued…


	7. Chapter 7

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Seven**

"Raidou," Tsunade called as the jonin turned to leave and then glanced back at her, "Genma will hopefully wake up, but he might react negatively to you being near. Are you strong enough to give him the space he needs while he heals if that is necessary?"

" _Anything_ for Genma," Raidou agreed quickly as the Hokage nodded with pride, "I just want him to get better in both body and mind. I'll wait for him as long as he needs me to wait. I'll…I'll even leave him alone forever if that is what he wants, but I'll always be close if he needs me. Always."

Raidou bowed again and hurried to his boyfriend's room and traded places with a nurse that had been assigned to watch over the nin. Genma was pale, but the tube was no longer down his throat. There was a breathing mask strapped firmly to his lower face.

"Thank you for holding on, Baby," Raidou greeted as he pulled a chair back beside the hospital bed and reached to stroke Genma's cheek so the man could know that he wasn't alone, "I read your journal, Gen. I'm so sorry. I had no idea that you were holding so much pain inside of you. I meant what I said before, Baby, you are an amazing, strong person to get past all that you did in your life. I love you, Genma. I love your passion, your drive, and your strength."

Raidou swallowed at the pain that bubbled within him at seeing his love so still. So he started to story tell. He reminded Genma of all the fun times they had experienced and all the future plans they had spoken of one day doing. He spoke for nearly two hours before the pain welled up hot within him once again.

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to protect you, Gen. Hound found your attackers. One is dead and the other is being questioned in I&T," Raidou stated, wiping some wetness from his eyes, "We are going to find Miyazaki and make him pay for what he did to you."

Raidou paused when he saw Genma flinch from his stroking hand before hazy, brown eyes opened.

"Baby? Oh, _God_. Genma?" Raidou called as the eyes rolled to him before the man in the bed shuddered as a sob escaped him, "Don't cry, Genma. Please don't cry. Are you in pain? Do you need a doctor?"

The heart monitor began to race as Genma strained against his restraints while shaking his head.

"Away," Genma choked around his sobs, but Raidou heard him perfectly despite the breathing mask, "Go…don't want… _liar_."

"Shh," Raidou soothed, reaching to stroke his boyfriend's hair, "Calm down. I'll leave if that is what you want, Gen, but please…please tell me why I'm a liar. Can you tell me why, Baby?"

"No love," Genma whimpered, looking away, "Hit me. Hurt…no more. Don't want."

"I love you," Raidou whispered as his boyfriend shuddered again, "I'm so sorry for hurting you. Calm down. Nurse!"

The same nurse from before stepped in and then raced back out to get help as Genma continued his weak struggles.

"Gen, I am not lying about how I feel about you. I love you, I love you, I love you," Raidou chanted as Genma wailed, "I do, Baby."

"No," Genma denied as tears rolled down his cheeks, "Can't! Can't…dirty. No love! No one _cares_!"

"You are not dirty. Nothing that was done to you make you dirty, Love," Raidou tried to reassure the struggling man, "I do love you and there are many people in the waiting room who care a lot for you. Don't give up, Gen. We're going to help you get better."

Raidou hissed as Tsunade jerked him back suddenly to administer a sedative into one of Genma's IV lines.

"Hurts," Genma whispered, trembling as his eyes rolled between Tsunade and Raidou, "Didn't want. Held down. Couldn't fight. Hurts. They hurt me! They hurt…wouldn't _stop_. Hurts."

Then Genma arched and screamed and screamed and screamed until his voice sounded raw. Tsunade cursed as she tried to control the convulsing man.

"Raidou, go get Shizune! Now!"

Raidou ran and yelled for Lady Shizune. The kunoichi raced out of a room and ran to where Genma's screams were echoing.

"Raidou!" Kakashi snapped, grabbing the jonin's arms, "What the hell is going on?"

"Gen's awake," Raidou babbled, pulling away, "He's confused and emotionally unstable. I think he might be reliving the attack. I _knew_ those damn restraints were going to be an issue. He feels trapped and he's finally giving voice to the agony he went through with the bastards who hurt him."

Raidou hurried back to Genma's room and was denied entrance by a nurse. The jonin watched through the large observation window as Tsunade and Shizune worked to soothe Genma.

"What the hell?" Asuma gasped as he reached Raidou and Kakashi with Gai right behind him, "I thought Genma was being attacked again."

"I think he is in his mind," Ibiki snarled as the three nin glanced to the interrogation master, "That is a flashback if I've ever seen one before. The Hokage should have rethought the restraints on Shiranui-san."

Genma's screams cut off abruptly as he trembled savagely before growing completely still. The sight sent a jolt of fear through Raidou and he flashed past the nurse and into the room.

"What happened?" Raidou snarled, "Is he still alive?"

"Genma is kicking and kicking hard," Tsunade began, showing the jonin a broken restraint, "Raidou, I had to ease Genma into a controlled coma."

" _What_?! Why?"

"Genma was reliving his attack and causing further damage to himself," the Hokage explained as Raidou groaned, "The attack is too fresh and his mind is too fractured to handle the emotional baggage he is dealing with. I think we've got him past the critical point of being able to wake from his attempt on his life, but he needs to physically heal more before we can try to heal his mind. I will be keeping Genma in this coma until you get back, Raidou. I have a mission for you."

Raidou growled before pausing as his Hokage smiled wickedly at him.

"I want Eito Miyazaki brought to me in pieces. Can you do that for your Genma, Raidou?"

"With _pleasure_ ," Raidou growled with a firm nod, "Genma will be okay while I am gone? There is no danger that I will lose him?"

"He is no longer in critical condition. Barring any unforeseen complications he will remain asleep until you get back," Tsunade nodded out, "Take Kakashi, Anko, and Gai with you. You are team captain and the kill is yours."

"Hai, Hokage-same," Raidou agreed, "May…may I have a second alone with Gen?"

Raidou leaned over Genma, once alone, and fretted over the man's paleness.

"I'm going to get the bastard that hurt you, Baby. One of your rapists is dead and the second will be there soon. I'm going to go get the last one now. I'm going to find your mark," Raidou whispered to his unconscious lover, "I know you're hurting so bad right now and you are finding it hard to believe that you are loved, but you are, Gen. You are loved more than anything. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for your confusion and pain, but I'm going to make it all better, Baby. Just rest and I'll be back soon. I still and will forever love you, Genma Shiranui, and there is nothing that will ever change that."

Raidou lifted the breathing mask for a moment to kiss his still boyfriend on the lips before gently replacing the needed mask.

"I'll be back soon, Gen. Stay safe for me. You are so strong. Even hurting, you don't back down. I love you, Baby."

T.T

Genma listened to his ex in surprise. He did hurt. His wrists hurt, his body hurt, his heart hurt, and his head felt like shattered glass, but Raidou still claimed to love him. Him, the dirty, used whore. He was also frightened. He didn't want Rai around Eito Miyazaki. Miyazaki was a foul man with knowledge of the shinobi world he shouldn't have had.

"I wanted this to end," Genma whimpered, "I wanted to leave this all behind. Why can't I? Why are you holding on to me so tight, Rai? Find someone deserving of your love. I don't deserve your affections. I never did. I don't want you contaminated by a weak, unwanted man like me."

 _"I'll be back soon, Gen. Stay safe for me. You are so strong. Even hurting, you don't back down. I love you, Baby."_

Genma choked at the words. Rai still thought he was strong? He wasn't he was broken. He was broken into thousands of little pieces and he couldn't figure out how to put himself back together.

"I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't," Genma whispered, "They hurt me. They hurt me, Rai. I don't want to remember their touch. Let me go. Please, Rai. Let me go and don't chase Miyazaki. I don't want him hurting you too."

But his words were for naught, because Raidou also never backed down. He'd hunt Miyazaki to the ends of the earth.

"Stay safe, Rai. I love you too, but things can never be the same again. I'm not the Genma I once was and I am tired of trying to live up to standards I can never reach. I'm broken. There is nothing within me deserving of your love. Not anymore. I'm giving up, Rai. Father finally wins. All of you finally win. There's nothing left for me anymore."

T.T

Kakashi followed the trail of his pack as Raidou and his team trailed the Copy-nin at a fast run. Hound was beginning to slip through again.

"Damn it," Gai swore from beside of Raidou, "I had hoped that Hound would stay back."

"Not when Kakashi is hunting one that has hurt a comrade," Raidou admitted as the man in green grimaced, "What is it you fear, Gai?"

"I fear losing Kakashi to Hound," Gai sighed, "I worry that one day Hound will be all that's left. The losses in my rival's life has left holes in his soul and it has taken literal _years_ to pull Kakashi out of the shell he hid within. I don't want Hound taking my rival's place."

"Hound can't stand you, Gai," Anko snorted as the man glanced back at her, "Just stay how you are around Hound and he'll always withdraw to get away from you."

"That is most cool and hip advice," Gai grinned out as Raidou hid a smile before everyone pulled up short as the Copy-nin slid to a stop.

"Pakkun left signal," Hound snapped, "Miyazaki has met up with two other nin. Tracking three. Both missing nins' scents are familiar. They are highly dangerous men."

"How far?" Raidou asked as Hound sniffed around.

"Scent isn't fresh," Hound growled, "At least a day, but they do not know they are being followed. My pack is well trained."

"Lead on," Raidou ordered, "We only stop if necessary. Miyazaki is my kill, but the missing nin are fair game."

Hound looked pleased as he raced away. Gai wrinkled his nose at the former Anbu. Gai hated Hound with a passion, but cared very much for his rival.

"I don't know if Gai is just friendly with Kakashi or if there is more going on underneath the underneath," Anko spoke as Raidou and she followed the other two.

"And gossip like this is what hurt my Gen over all these years," Raidou retorted as the kunoichi blushed, "Anko, I think Gai does love Kakashi, but like a brother and not as what you are trying to hint at. Assumptions only lead to people getting hurt. I want that to stop for Gen and for any other person. Don't let that tongue of yours trip you up."

There was no more words as the hunters followed the trail of the soon to be doomed. Raidou swallowed a soldier pill. He'd been up for practically thirty hours straight, but he be damned if it wasn't _his_ hands that ended the one that set up the gang rape of his most precious person. The team met up with Kakashi's pack.

"Pup, drink something now," Pakkun snarled as Hound paced, wanting to continue the hunt, "Raidou, do something. It was hard enough dealing with Boss the last time we hunted and he's more tightly wound than before."

"Anbu, refuel," Raidou ordered as Hound paused and stared at him, "Water and soldier pills. That is an order."

"Hai, Taichou."

"Damn, Hound," Gai muttered as the Copy-nin turned his back to drink from his thermos.

It was late in the night when they caught up with Miyazaki and what looked like two missing nin from the Land of Mist. Genma's rapist was a bear of a man with shifty eyes. Hound sprang to engage one of the missing nin as Gai cursed and followed.

"Anko, the second nin is yours. This one is mine," Raidou hissed, drawing his katana while noticing Hound driving chidori through the first missing nin, "One down, two to go. Hello, Miyazaki."

"Do I know you?" Eito demanded as Raidou watched his hands shift to a pouch.

"You know my lover," Raidou calmly stated, "You put your filthy hands on him. You touched what is mine and hired others to help you."

"Ah," Miyazaki chuckled, "The delicious little thing that refused to make a sound as I nailed him against a tree while his blood smoothed my way. So that pretty ass gets around, huh? I thought so. I should visit Konoha more often if the shinobi are as beautiful as that one."

A calmness overtook Raidou. He heard the other battle, but his eyes were only for Miyazaki as he leapt. This man hurt his already tormented boyfriend. Anger wasn't needed. Just revenge.

To be continued…


	8. Chapter 8

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Eight**

It was late in the night when they caught up with Miyazaki and what looked like two missing nin from the Land of Mist. Genma's rapist was a bear of a man with shifty eyes. Hound sprang to engage one of the missing nin as Gai cursed and followed.

"Anko, the second nin is yours. This one is mine," Raidou hissed, drawing his katana while noticing Hound driving chidori through the first missing nin, "One down, two to go. Hello, Miyazaki."

"Do I know you?" Eito demanded as Raidou watched his hands shift to a pouch.

"You know my lover," Raidou calmly stated, "You put your filthy hands on him. You touched what is mine and hired others to help you."

"Ah," Miyazaki chuckled, "The delicious little thing that refused to make a sound as I nailed him against a tree while his blood smoothed my way. So that pretty ass gets around, huh? I thought so. I should visit Konoha more often if the shinobi are as beautiful as that one."

A calmness overtook Raidou. He heard the other battle, but his eyes were only for Miyazaki as he leapt. This man hurt his already tormented boyfriend. Anger wasn't needed. Just revenge.

"You are going to die in pieces," Raidou laughed as the other man stepped back at the mad light in the jonin's eyes, "You had _no_ right to touch even one hair on Genma's head. I am going to make you bleed and squirm. I'm going to make you feel agony worse than what you did to my lover and then you will _beg_ for death."

"Fuck you," Eito spat, throwing a smoke bomb, trying to get away, but Raidou teleported to cut him off, "Dammit! Masada, what the hell am I paying you for? Get over here!"

"Little busy," the missing nin growled, trying to fend off Hound as Anko leapt onto the man's back, "Get _off_ me, Bitch!"

Raidou kept one eye on Miyazaki as he watched Anko get flung into Hound. Both went down hard as Gai leapt to defend his fallen teammates. Masada had his hands full trying to keep up with Gai's taijutsu.

"Should have hired better bodyguards," Raidou smirked as the man he hunted cursed.

Miyazaki may have been a criminal boss, but he was a coward and tried to run. Raidou realized then that the real muscle that took down Genma was the two missing nin that Eito had hired. The fucker had merely taken advantage of others' skills and brutalized Genma out of pure vileness.

"You asshole," Raidou hissed, slicing Miyazaki with a blade covered in a fast acting poison, "Do you feel that, Eito? Do you feel the paralysis beginning? You are going to slow down now and then you will stiffen so that you can be alive while I cut you into bits."

"Look, I'm sorry, Man," Miyazaki tried as he attempted to inch backwards with stiffening legs, "I'll pay anything. Just let me live."

"Pay?" Raidou scoffed, "You touched what is mine. You tore him up inside and out. Can you take back what you did to my Genma? Can you take back the pain you caused him?"

"N-no," Miyazaki stuttered as the scarred jonin tutted.

"Then no _fucking_ deal."

Raidou was a trained shinobi. An assassin, but he wasn't a cold blooded killer who enjoyed spilling blood. Until now. Eito begged like a little child while the scarred jonin whittled at him until the man died drowning in his own blood.

"Filthy coward," Raidou commented, bagging up his kill and glancing to the rest of his team only to blink as Anko finished Masada off with Kakashi's pack helping while Gai walked over with the Copy-nin flung over one shoulder, "What the hell happened to Hound?"

"Anko's harder head came in contact with Hound's hard head when she was flung at him," Gai explained, "Hound didn't even see what hit him. Anko's got the Mist nin covered and I see the mark is properly packaged."

"Damn straight," Raidou agreed, "Lay him here and let me see the damage."

It was a happy Anko, driven Raidou, concerned Gai, and concussed Kakashi that stumbled back to the village two days later. The group headed straight to the hospital.

"Oh, my," Kotetsu murmured, glancing up from within the waiting room and thumped Izumo, Iruka, and Asuma on the back to point them out.

"What happened to Kakashi?" Tsunade demanded as she rounded a corner and hurried over.

"Anko knocked him out by accident," Raidou reported, "Mark is nullified and the only injuries to report is Kakashi's concussion which I think is mild, but he lost consciousness about six hours ago."

"Kakashi is _awake_ and would like to know why the _hell_ there is a green _butt_ in my face?" Kakashi drawled as titters rang out, "Gai, put me down now."

"Good. You are you and not Hound, Rival," Gai said, looking relieved as he bent to place Kakashi back on his feet, "Dizzy?"

"A little," Kakashi snorted as Gai kept a firm grip on his arm to help steady the Copy-nin, "Probably from being hung upside down and going into shock when I opened my eye and had a rear in my face. Hokage-sama, I need brain bleach, stat."

"What you need, Brat, is an exam and a hospital bed," Tsunade decided, "Let's go. Raidou, I have a cot set up in Genma's room. He is still out, but his wounds are beginning to heal. You are to wash up and get some sleep. Ibiki."

"Hai, Hokage-sama?" Ibiki answered as Raidou turned to see the jonin walk over.

"Take the mark so that if there are any questions by anyone of why Konoha took down the filth, I can have DNA proof to prove the man's crimes," Tsunade continued as Ibiki took the body bag from Anko, "Raidou, the prisoner we had in I&T died yesterday. Painfully. Just thought you'd like to know. Asuma has a set of your clothes in Genma's room. Go get cleaned up and I'd better see you asleep when I come check on Genma in an hour, got it?"

"Hai, Hokage-sama," Raidou agreed and nodded his thanks at everyone before practically sprinting to see his boyfriend, "Hello, Baby. I'm back. I'm not injured, but every single one of your rapists has breathed their last breath. You are avenged, Gen. Those three will never hurt you or anyone else again. I'm filthy and tired, but it is so good to see your face again. I've missed you so much. Rest while I clean up, Love."

Raidou's energy waned as he showered and slipped into the fresh set of clothes Asuma had gotten for him. Damn man must have broken into his apartment. That was sweet of him.

"I love you, Gen," Raidou reminded as he reached and stroked his lover's face, "I'm going to get some rest now, but I'm here with you. I'm not leaving the village again unless you are well again. I'll do whatever you need of me, Baby, but I'll never give up on you so please…please don't give up for me."

Raidou knew his orders were to sleep, but he stepped from Genma's room to check on Kakashi first. It wasn't hard to locate Gai. His green outfit stuck out. A lot.

"Gai, is Kakashi okay?" Raidou asked as he approached the other nin.

"It's been proven, Rai, our ever youthful Anko's skull is made of stone," Gai snorted, gesturing to Kakashi sleeping in a hospital bed behind the window he was gazing through, "Our esteemed Hokage will never let my rival live it down that a shot to the head by a kunoichi brought him down."

"He is pretty wan, Gai," Raidou pointed out as Gai grimaced, "You still haven't answered my question. Did Lady Tsunade say he'd be okay?"

"Hai," Gai answered, "Your medical jutsu healed some of the damage, but we were lucky he didn't slip into a coma with the head injury he sustained. Shows his strength that he clawed forward and pushed Hound back. I have a most cool and hip rival."

Raidou snickered as Kakashi rolled over while his infamous, favorite book toppled to the floor.

" _Most_ cool and hip," Raidou agreed as Gai beamed at him, "Go get some sleep, Gai. We've all been up for way too long. Your rival is going to be fine and…and hopefully so will my Gen."

Gai nodded as Raidou returned to his lover's side. The jonin kissed Genma on his forehead before slipping onto the cot to get some well-earned sleep.

T.T

Raidou sighed from his seat next to Genma. Two weeks had trickled by and the still shinobi hadn't woke. The Hokage was beside herself in worry. She'd forced the coma, but hadn't been able to call Genma back.

"His eyes are responding to light," Tsunade grumbled the day she had admitted the truth to the scarred jonin, flashing the penlight over the eye that she held open, "But his consciousness is practically nonexistent."

"What does that mean?" Raidou questioned.

"I think Genma's in a catatonic state," Tsunade sighed, shaking her head, "He relived the rapes and the pain of that memory has caused him to withdraw completely. Raidou, Genma is trying to die. He has been backed so far into a corner that he sees no way out. This one needs to be seen by a psych-nin as soon as possible so his mind is not permanently damaged beyond repair."

Raidou remembered that conversation as he fisted his hands in anger. Genma should have never been put into a situation like this. Genma was supposed to always be okay. At least in the perfect world that Raidou wished could have been, but reality is a real bitch.

"I wish you'd wake up," Raidou said as he reached to rub Genma's upper arm, "I miss you, Baby. I know that waking is going to be painful, Gen. I know that what happened to you still hurts. Lady Tsunade healed all the damage to your body, but your mind is in agony. Dying won't fix that. Waking up so you can get therapy that will help the pain, Gen."

The jonin tilted his head back in exhaustion. Gently, he rubbed a finger down one of Genma's bandaged hands.

"Baby, leaving isn't the answer," Raidou tried, "Your mother told you that life is hard for a shinobi. You've been through more than your share of pain, but the Genma I know never gives up. He never has and I know you never will, Gen."

Raidou rubbed a fist against one of his eyes before startling as a hand came down on his shoulder.

"Gah!"

"Sorry, sorry," Kotetsu apologized as Raidou withdrew the kunai from the chunin's throat, "I was getting my hand checked and thought I stop in to visit. Thought you heard me come in."

"Oh," Raidou sighed, "Sorry, Ko. My mind wasn't focused. How is your hand?"

"Healed," Kotetsu grinned out, showing his freed arm, "Good riddance to stupid slings. How is Gen?"

"The same," Raidou sighed.

Kotetsu frowned as he gazed to the still shinobi in the bed as he leaned against the railing of the bed.

"We miss you in the mission room, Gen," Kotetsu called as Raidou looked up in alarm, "Place is so boring without you. You know, you always kept people on their toes or knew what to say when someone was down. You've always just been there, you know. We depended on you to keep things light and was like…calming. Crappy to not realize what you had until the person isn't there anymore. Raidou looks like shit and we miss you, Man. Please wake up soon. We need you."

The scarred jonin relaxed. This was something Genma needed to hear. Something from someone other than Raidou.

"Don't seem right, Rai," Kotetsu remarked, keeping his eyes on Genma, "Never seen Gen so still. He's always been this bundle of cooling energy. Even still, he just seemed ready for action, you know?"

"I do know," Rai chuckled, gazing to his lover fondly, "Gen wasn't even still like this in sleep. He's a kicker. Do you know how many times he's kicked me right out of the bed? Talk about a rude awakening."

Kotetsu laughed as Raidou grinned at happier memories. The jonin wished he had known the suffering Genma was going through behind that mask he'd developed. The chunin stayed a little longer before having to leave. Raidou groaned softly as he lowered his head onto Genma's bed railings to watch him breathing.

"I want my Genma back," Raidou whispered as his heart broke and felt the tears starting as he buried his face in his hands, "Damn, Baby, I miss you so much."

To be continued…


	9. Chapter 9

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Nine**

Raidou rubbed a fist against one of his eyes before startling as a hand came down on his shoulder.

"Gah!"

"Sorry, sorry," Kotetsu apologized as Raidou withdrew the kunai from the chunin's throat, "I was getting my hand checked and thought I stop in to visit. Thought you heard me come in."

"Oh," Raidou sighed, "Sorry, Ko. My mind wasn't focused. How is your hand?"

"Healed," Kotetsu grinned out, showing his freed arm, "Good riddance to stupid slings. How is Gen?"

"The same," Raidou sighed.

Kotetsu frowned as he gazed to the still shinobi in the bed as he leaned against the railing of the bed.

"We miss you in the mission room, Gen," Kotetsu called as Raidou looked up in alarm, "Place is so boring without you. You know, you always kept people on their toes or knew what to say when someone was down. You've always just been there, you know. We depended on you to keep things light and was like…calming. Crappy to not realize what you had until the person isn't there anymore. Raidou looks like shit and we miss you, Man. Please wake up soon. We need you."

The scarred jonin relaxed. This was something Genma needed to hear. Something from someone other than Raidou.

"Don't seem right, Rai," Kotetsu remarked, keeping his eyes on Genma, "Never seen Gen so still. He's always been this bundle of cooling energy. Even still, he just seemed ready for action, you know?"

"I do know," Rai chuckled, gazing to his lover fondly, "Gen wasn't even still like this in sleep. He's a kicker. Do you know how many times he's kicked me right out of the bed? Talk about a rude awakening."

Kotetsu laughed as Raidou grinned at happier memories. The jonin wished he had known the suffering Genma was going through behind that mask he'd developed. The chunin stayed a little longer before having to leave. Raidou groaned softly as he lowered his head onto Genma's bed railings to watch him breathing.

"I want my Genma back," Raidou whispered as his heart broke and felt the tears starting as he buried his face in his hands, "Damn, Baby, I miss you so much."

A small noise made him look up to see brown eyes watching him. Genma blinked in confusion then shut his eyes again.

"Baby?" Raidou gasped, standing to lean over the man, "Genma, open your eyes for me. Come on, Gen. You can do it, Baby. Open your eyes."

Genma made a small noise in protest, but opened his eyes to glance up at Raidou. The eyes were confused and then frightened as he strained against the padded restraints.

"Shh, Baby. I'll unbuckle those," Raidou urged, beginning to work at the straps, "You're in the hospital, Gen. You tried to hurt yourself and the restraints are policy. I know you're scared, but I'm going to take these off now. Stay still, okay?"

The frightened shinobi glanced at Raidou again before closing his eyes and shuddering, but he went still. Raidou undid every strap and then backed away when Genma cried out and scrambled from the bed to huddle on the floor in the closest corner of the room while the breathing mask hit the farthest wall. Genma was terrified judging by his wide, glassy eyes.

"You're safe," Raidou cooed as he sighed at the blood trickling from the place where the IV needle had been torn from Genma's arm, "I won't let anyone hurt you."

Panting, Genma pressed himself further back as Raidou lowered himself to sit on the ground, several feet away from the frightened man. Then Raidou did something that he hoped he wouldn't regret. The jonin slid a kunai from a pouch and tossed the blade so it was within reaching distance of his boyfriend. Genma snatched the kunai up and held it out in a defensive stance.

"What the _hell_ did you just do _that_ for?" Lady Tsunade asked from the doorway as Genma pointed the kunai between her and Raidou in agitated movements.

"Gen's scared. He needs to feel in a little bit of control," Raidou insisted, turning to his lover, "Gen, it's okay. You're safe. You have the kunai. No one can approach you without your permission. You're safe, Baby."

The scarred jonin hid a grimace at the shaking of Genma's hands. His wrists were still healing and weak with the special armguards used to stabilize the abused appendages. Genma needed to calm down.

"Gen?" Raidou called as the kunai was leveled back on him, "You're okay."

"N-no," Genma stuttered, "No…not ever. Not ever, ever."

Raidou remained silent as his lover shook harder. The agony at seeing the broken man before him pulled at him so hard that a gasp of pain escaped him before he could stifle the sound. Another sound echoed as Genma dropped the kunai.

"Rai?" Genma whispered as Raidou blinked, "Raidou?"

"Oh, God, Baby," Raidou breathed, crawling forward as he pulled the stunned man into his arms while kicking the kunai towards Tsunade, "It's me, Gen. I'm here. You're okay."

Raidou hugged Genma tight while the smaller man hid his face against the scarred jonin's shoulder.

"Don't want," Genma whimpered, shaking hard while pulling his aching wrists tight against his chest, "Don't, Rai. Don't tie. _Don't_."

"He's talking about the restraints," Raidou pointed out as Tsunade nodded, "He's not going to go back in that bed, Hokage-sama. Gen's frightened."

"Then let's get him a new room," Tsunade offered in the softest voice she could muster, "Gentle, Raidou. Very gentle."

"Baby, let's go where there are no more restraints," Raidou soothed as his lover hunched against him tighter, "Would you like that? Would you like a new room with no restraints where you are safe?"

Genma didn't answer for the longest time before he finally nodded and allowed Raidou to slide his arms beneath the other to lift him from the cold floor. The smaller man remained passive as Raidou stood with his precious burden.

"A comfy room, please, Hokage-sama," Raidou nearly cooed to try and keep Genma calm while Tsunade used her medical jutsu to heal the torn skin from the IV quickly, "One with a nice view and a soft bed so my Gen can rest and heal."

"Follow me," Tsunade instructed as she walked slowly down the hall, "I know a nice, safe room. Come on. Let's go get settled."

Raidou didn't miss that he was being led to the psych unit in the hospital. He remembered spending a week in the unit after his burns broke his mind for a few days. The rooms were made for comfort and to help a delicate mind recuperate. He hoped that Genma was too out of it to realize where they were heading. Genma didn't protest being laid in his new bed and sighed as he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.

"That went better than I expected," Tsunade snorted, handing Raidou the kunai, "That was a dangerous move, Namiashi-san."

"Gen is still a shinobi," Raidou retorted, "Didn't you notice? He protected his back and needed to feel in control by being able to defend his front. I just don't know what made him drop the blade, but I'm glad he did."

" _You_ sounded in pain," Tsunade pointed out as the jonin blinked, "Genma snapped back into reality when he heard you and dropped the kunai. He'd have reached for you if he had had the strength to. That was not the Genma we know, but he's still in there deep down and I've got the perfect therapist picked out to help his mind heal. Here he is now."

"Ibiki-san?" Raidou gasped as the jonin walked up, "You?"

"Me," Ibiki agreed, "I am a certified therapist and have seen plenty of shinobi return from being tortured and broken in the past. I've been studying your notes and nearly skinned Goro Shiranui when I interviewed the bastard, but I have a good understanding into Genma's upbringing. I've also dealt with victims of brutalization in the past. Genma has a long way to go, but I'm hoping that his mind is not so far gone that he can return to the shinobi he once was."

"I don't give a fuck about him being a shinobi," Raidou growled, "I want my Gen whole again. I want him to feel safe, loved, and healed. I want him happy. That is what I want and I don't want you being the therapist if all you care about is returning Gen to the field."

"You are a brat," Ibiki chuckled as Raidou blinked, "My wording was wrong. I _meant_ I'd like to help Genma regain his confidence and sense of self. This is not about anything more than helping Genma heal. That too is all I want."

Raidou regarded the older man before nodding quickly.

"No restraints," Raidou insisted, "Please. Genma was held down by a shinobi who used wind to render him helpless while others used his body. You can't make him feel trapped."

"Everything I already know," Ibiki assured, "Calm yourself, Raidou, and allow me to do my job. I refuse to think Genma will give up. He broke, but it's time to put him back together again. His moods will be very unstable at first. He'll be angry, sad, lethargic, and the list goes on. Sometimes he'll turn on us and won't want us near. Genma will try to push us away. Helping him will not be easy, Raidou."

"Life isn't easy," Raidou stated, "I understand what you are saying, Ibiki, but I have no intentions of leaving no matter how hard Genma tries to push me away. I love him."

"Then remember that at his worst," Tsunade voiced, "He'll lash out a lot, but patience and understanding will help pull down the shields he will use to defend himself. There will be times you will not be allowed to visit which starts now. Genma will need to earn the right to have visitors. Genma needs some space to work out his feelings. Raidou, he might not be able to return your love. Can you handle that if Genma chooses to end the relationship?"

"Anything for Gen," Raidou nodded out as pain pulled at him hard, "I will respect Genma no matter what he decides. I swear it, but I will never stop loving him. He is my most precious person and I just want him happy."

T.T

Anger had ripped through the jonin when he awoke and discovered he was locked in this room for his "safety" once he had strengthened enough to be more aware and could move about a little better. It pissed him off that there was even a chakra dampener in the room so he couldn't teleport or use jutsu to defend himself. He barely remembered waking the first time, but he did remember the fears. He was told that Raidou had brought him here so he could be seen for his mental therapy. Whatever. Genma didn't mind the room all that much, but he hated the big window where people watched him. Ibiki had found it funny when he had used drawing paper stuck to the glass with gum to spell out "Fuckers" on the window.

"And why are the nurses and doctors fuckers?" Ibiki asked as Genma sat on the window seat with his back turned on the man to watch birds flying by.

"Not a fish," Genma answered, rocking where he sat.

"A fish?" Ibiki repeated before chuckling again, "You don't like to be watched like a fish in a bowl, hm?"

Genma nodded. He was tired of being watched. Always observed. Always spied on. He was done with people deciding for him what he wanted. Raidou, Ibiki, Tsunade, the doctors, the nurses…he was done.

"Genma, do you know why you are being watched?"

The jonin knew. He knew he'd broken. He knew why his weak wrists needed the armguards that wrapped around each arm from his thumb to nearly his elbow, but he wasn't going to give Ibiki the satisfaction of saying the word "suicide." No sir!

"Genma, you made a decision to hurt yourself because you were pushed to your breaking point," Ibiki voiced as the other in the room shuddered, "The staff here just want to keep you safe."

"Didn't ask you too!" Genma snapped, turning to glare at the older man, "I want to be left alone. I want…I want it to all go away!"

"What to go away, Gen?" Ibiki pushed.

"You! Them!" Genma hissed, pounding his chest, "This! Hurts! Don't want this!"

Ibiki sighed as Genma choked. At least he was talking now, but the jonin was hard to follow.

"Are you in pain?" Ibiki asked as Genma scoffed, "Report, Shiranui-san."

Genma sat up and turned to blink at Ibiki. A shinobi order, huh? Fine.

"I fucking hate it here, Sir," Genma hissed, "I hate the fact that no one cares that what _they_ want it not what _I_ want. I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to remember how I was passed around like a fucking bottle of sake and forced…forced to feel things I didn't want to feel. I could care less that my family has hated me since I was five. I don't want to remember how the one I thought loved me more than anything called me a whore in front of the whole mission room and struck me in the face. I don't care that the rapists are dead because they already did their worst to me. I don't care that everyone is 'sorry.' I don't care that I sliced up my wrists because it didn't give me what I wanted. I just wanted it all to end because my heart hurts all the damn time and now I've got you rubbing that in my face. I'm tired and I'm dirty and everyone is pretending to care, but you don't. Get the fuck away from me!"

Ibiki didn't flinch when Genma threw his tray of untouched lunch at him as he began to scream vulgarities. It was one of those days again.

"Enough," Ibiki grunted, catching the man as he went to throw a chair, "Calm down. I'll leave, but calm down or the Hokage won't let Raidou come see you. Do you want that?"

"Yes," Genma spat as Ibiki blinked while he sat the chair back down, "Don't want Rai here. Make him stay away."

"Why?"

Genma panted and pulled away to crawl into his bed. Ibiki barely heard the whispered, "Dirty." The torture specialist wanted to groan. Genma was pulling away from everyone and was refusing to eat. The spiraling down was growing worse with time.

"I'm going to let you rest," Ibiki offered the lump in the bed, "But know that what was done to you wasn't your fault. You were a victim. You are not dirty. No one thinks that. Raidou will give you the space you want, but he loves you very much. I know you are hurting, Genma, but pulling away from everyone is going to make that pain in your chest worse. Dying isn't the answer to ending pain, Kid."

"Living isn't either. It's never worked for me," Genma snarled, "Go away!"

Ibiki stepped from the room and watched a nurse lock the door once again.

"Ibiki?"

"Still spiraling," the large man reported as Tsunade frowned, "Spoke more than he has about some of his feelings, but he's locked away a lot. Genma won't eat. Can we not at least get liquid nutrients into him?"

"I do at night when he is fully sedated," Tsunade explained as Ibiki cursed, "Little baka rips the IVs out when he is aware. Plus…do you feel that?"

"Yes. A chakra signature that shouldn't even be in that room," Ibiki huffed.

To be continued…


	10. Chapter 10

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Ten**

Ibiki didn't flinch when Genma threw his tray of untouched lunch at him as he began to scream vulgarities. It was one of those days again.

"Enough," Ibiki grunted, catching the man as he went to throw a chair, "Calm down. I'll leave, but calm down or the Hokage won't let Raidou come see you. Do you want that?"

"Yes," Genma spat as Ibiki blinked while he sat the chair back down, "Don't want Rai here. Make him stay away."

"Why?"

Genma panted and pulled away to crawl into his bed. Ibiki barely heard the whispered, "Dirty." The torture specialist wanted to groan. Genma was pulling away from everyone and was refusing to eat. The spiraling down was growing worse with time.

"I'm going to let you rest," Ibiki offered the lump in the bed, "But know that what was done to you wasn't your fault. You were a victim. You are not dirty. No one thinks that. Raidou will give you the space you want, but he loves you very much. I know you are hurting, Genma, but pulling away from everyone is going to make that pain in your chest worse. Dying isn't the answer to ending pain, Kid."

"Living isn't either. It's never worked for me," Genma snarled, "Go away!"

Ibiki stepped from the room and watched a nurse lock the door once again.

"Ibiki?"

"Still spiraling," the large man reported as Tsunade frowned, "Spoke more than he has about some of his feelings, but he's locked away a lot. Genma won't eat. Can we not at least get liquid nutrients into him?"

"I do at night when he is fully sedated," Tsunade explained as Ibiki cursed, "Little baka rips the IVs out when he is aware. Plus…do you feel that?"

"Yes. A chakra signature that shouldn't even be in that room," Ibiki huffed.

Tsunade and Ibiki peeked discreetly through Genma's window and blinked at seeing Raidou quietly talking with the lump in the bed.

"How the hell did he get in there?" Tsunade chuckled, "The window doesn't even open."

"Air conditioning duct," Ibiki snorted, pointing to the open grate, "Look. Genma's listening."

T.T

"I don't _want_ you here. Go away, Raidou," Genma spat, turning from the other man.

"Okay. I just needed to check on you, Baby. I've been worried and Hokage-sama won't let me visit."

Genma sighed and glanced over his shoulder to see the worried face of his ex. Sweet Raidou. Always the same, but even _he_ had turned his back after hearing partial facts. No one could be trusted. No one.

"Not your baby," Genma denied as Raidou flinched, making Genma sit up in alarm, "Rai?"

"No. I'm fine," Raidou breathed, looking down before glancing up again, "Gen, you will always, always be my baby. Even if you never want me again. I will always love you, but I won't use that name if you don't want me to. I will never allow you to be labeled anymore."

"I don't care what you call me. It doesn't matter, but you read my journal without my permission," Genma pouted, leaning on his knees, "You invaded my privacy."

"I did," Raidou agreed with a sigh, "I needed to know what could push you to give up. Everything just kind of happened all at once. I nearly lost you because of my stupid mouth and then…finding you was one of the worst days of my life, but this isn't about me. I needed to find out what else had hurt you. Then discovering your family's idiocy and…and…"

"Finding out that I was forced to be the whore you thought I was?" Genma suggested before scooting back as Raidou's mood shifted to rage.

"No, no. I'm sorry," Raidou soothed, reaching for the other as Genma huddled back against the headboard of the bed, "Calm down. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry that I ever used that fucking word to describe you. You are not a whore, Gen."

Genma didn't answer as he stood to sit back at the window. Raidou was wrong. He was a dirty whore that was tainted. He'd never be clean again. Never. Rustling made Genma look over and see Raidou pulling a brown paper bag from a pouch. Carefully, the scarred jonin pulled out a sealed bowl and Genma watched as Raidou opened the bowl while the aroma of pumpkin soup filled the air.

"Come on, Baby," Raidou urged, walking over and spooning some soup up to Genma's mouth, "Eat for me, Gen. You're too thin and this is your favorite. Come on, Love."

Genma glanced to the spoon and then at Raidou's hopeful face. He wasn't hungry. He was never hungry. Not anymore, but he'd eat for Rai. Sweet Rai who was trying so hard to lie to himself that he loved a whore.

"Good, Baby," Raidou cooed as Genma allowed the spoon to be slipped into his mouth, "God, I love you. Here's some more, Gen. Here we go."

T.T

"He's got him _eating_ ," Tsunade gasped as Ibiki and she continued to watch, "I'll keep turning the blind eye to this if Raidou can get Genma to eat."

"Shiranui-san is just eating for Raidou," Ibiki frowned out as the blonde glanced to him, "Genma is not eating for himself, but Raidou is somehow able to slip past some of Gen's shields. Allow the sneaking in for right now. If Genma thinks Raidou is being sent in, then the man will shut down. Knowing that Raidou is doing this despite orders may have a much more positive effect on Genma. I don't want any nurses or doctors interfering. Raidou is the key to getting through to Genma."

"Maa, maa, Ibiki-san, so you finally figured it out."

"Shut up," Ibiki grumbled, turning to a beaming Copy-nin, "Did you figure out the air ducts for Raidou?"

"Of course I didn't," Kakashi smoothly lied, waving crossed fingers in Ibiki's face as Tsunade chortled, "I _did_ set up a seal that will keep Genma from escaping from that route, but I'd never stoop so low to help a comrade disobey orders. Is Gen eating?"

"Hn," Ibiki grunted, "Yes. I see why you call Hatake a brat, Hokage-sama."

"Been that way since I've known him," Tsunade grinned out, "He peed on me straight from birth."

Ibiki and Tsunade both laughed as Kakashi squeaked in embarrassment and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

T.T

Genma allowed the visits from Raidou for a few weeks before he withdrew completely within his mind. Ibiki wouldn't stop. Tsunade wouldn't stop. Precious Raidou wouldn't stop. None of them understood that it was too late.

"I'm done," Genma sighed, working at the door with a senbon that he'd stolen off of Ibiki late in the night, "I'm done, I'm done and I don't want this anymore."

The lock clicked open and silently Genma glanced outside and determined his route. He flashed from his room and waited to slide out of the locked down ward behind an unsuspecting nurse. He really had no idea where he was going, but his feet began to carry him away and so he let his mind wander as he left everything behind.

T.T

The alarm went off at six in the morning in the hospital and a hawk's cry drew every chunin and jonin within the village running a moment later. Raidou gathered with the rest of his comrades as the Hokage stormed into the room.

"Genma Shiranui has escaped from the hospital," Tsunade began as murmurs began while Raidou had to be caught as his knees gave out, "All of you know that Shiranui-san made an attempt on his own life. The man is not in his right mind and I believe has intentions of finishing what he started. He may have or is planning on ending his own life so prepare yourselves for what you might find."

Raidou growled and stood again as panic swirled.

"Find him," the Hokage ordered, "Subdue him gently and bring him back here. Understand that Shiranui-san is very ill and not in control of his emotions. He'll fight you, but you _must_ be careful with his wrists. Work in pairs. Go."

"I'm with you," Kakashi bit out, grabbing at Raidou as he turned to run, "Do you have an idea of where he would go?"

"No," Raidou snapped before they both teleported to the hospital, "Kakashi, I don't need Hound, I need someone with emotions. That is what Genma is following, his emotions. I've got to find my baby before he hurts himself. Call your pack."

Kakashi nodded and summoned his pack as Gai and Anko popped up followed by Asuma and Kurenai. The six jonin worked together as a unit and set off after the ninken to track their friend. Raidou remained focused and tried to not allow panic to well up when he realized that Genma's tracks showed the man was barefoot. It was too cold outside to not be adequately dressed for the weather.

"Raidou!"

The scarred jonin glanced up as Iruka skidded up to the group with Ibiki following.

"Tsume-san tracked Gen's trail," the chunin explained, "It led to a weapon stand that was broken into last night. There are several weapons that were stolen."

"No," Raidou breathed as the worst case scenarios began to play in his head.

"He's armed himself," Ibiki sighed, watching Raidou pale, "Perhaps just for defense, but then Genma's trail goes cold."

"He teleported."

"Dammit, Hound," Raidou snarled, recognizing the cold voice as the former Anbu sniffed at the air.

"Kakashi pushed me forward," Hound snapped, "Emotions can interfere with scents. Shiranui-san's left the village. Follow me and my pack."

"Iruka, go tell the Hokage what Hound has discovered," Ibiki ordered as the chunin nodded, "Tell her that we are going after him and to maintain the search within the village just in case Genma turned back."

Raidou raced after Hound once the search party had left the village. Genma was still shinobi, even if broken. He'd left through an area of the village that wasn't heavily guarded.

"Gen is clever to use an area to escape that has natural barriers. Not many guards patrol this part of Konoha," Gai called as Raidou frowned, "Not many would know to seek a trail through such rocky terrain."

"He's fucking barefoot and bleeding!" Raidou growled, pointing to the bloody trail they were following, "The rocks cut his feet."

"Not badly. There isn't too much blood," Kurenai soothed as the scarred jonin scowled, "The terrain has at least slowed Genma down. We might catch up."

They didn't catch up. Genma had been traveling fast and gotten past all guards, Anbu, and hunter nin to leave Konoha, but hopefully they could get to him before he left the Fire country border.

"Where is he heading?" Anko asked as she pulled up beside Raidou, "If he wanted to off himself he could have done it twice over and again."

"Anko!" Ibiki warned, grabbing Raidou before he fell from the branch he'd landed wrong on due to the shock of the kunoichi's words, "Shut the hell up."

"She's right," Raidou gasped, sitting hard where he stood as Ibiki steadied him, "Where is Gen going? What is driving my baby to run like this?"

"Up!" Hound ordered, jerking Raidou by the arm to stand, "More blood is in the air. My pack is not howling in hopes of not alerting Shiranui-san that he is being followed. Come!"

Raidou raced to follow the silver-haired jonin as the rest flashed after them. The group froze when they came upon a dead nin.

To be continued…


	11. Chapter 11

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Eleven**

Raidou raced after Hound once the search party had left the village. Genma was still shinobi, even if broken. He'd left through an area of the village that wasn't heavily guarded.

"Gen is clever to use an area to escape that has natural barriers. Not many guards patrol this part of Konoha," Gai called as Raidou frowned, "Not many would know to seek a trail through such rocky terrain."

"He's fucking barefoot and bleeding!" Raidou growled, pointing to the bloody trail they were following, "The rocks cut his feet."

"Not badly. There isn't too much blood," Kurenai soothed as the scarred jonin scowled, "The terrain has at least slowed Genma down. We might catch up."

They didn't catch up. Genma had been traveling fast and gotten past all guards, Anbu, and hunter nin to leave Konoha, but hopefully they could get to him before he left the Fire country border.

"Where is he heading?" Anko asked as she pulled up beside Raidou, "If he wanted to off himself he could have done it twice over and again."

"Anko!" Ibiki warned, grabbing Raidou before he fell from the branch he'd landed wrong on due to the shock of the kunoichi's words, "Shut the hell up."

"She's right," Raidou gasped, sitting hard where he stood as Ibiki steadied him, "Where is Gen going? What is driving my baby to run like this?"

"Up!" Hound ordered, jerking Raidou by the arm to stand, "More blood is in the air. My pack is not howling in hopes of not alerting Shiranui-san that he is being followed. Come!"

Raidou raced to follow the silver-haired jonin as the rest flashed after them. The group froze when they came upon a dead nin. The nin wasn't Genma.

"Missing nin from Mist," Hound reported, "Striking similarity to one of Genma's rapist. Scent strong enough to be sibling or first cousin. Signs of battle. All the footprints and signs of battle show that Genma and the shinobi stumbled upon one another by accident, but this one was seeking revenge for the dead rapist. This nin struck first. Genma finished it."

" _Still_ got it," Anko snorted, pointing to the three senbon lodged in the man's temple, "Kill spot hit dead on with enough force to drive through the skull. Genma was aiming to kill."

"Genma's direction now?" Raidou asked Hound, ignoring the rest.

"West, towards his last mission."

"Why?" Raidou ground out, "What are you doing, Baby?"

The seven jonin continued to follow Genma's trail. The man was fast, but seemed to be weakening if judged by his prints. Raidou didn't want to think that possibly his lover had been injured in the battle. The sun was setting when the group stumbled on Genma. The man was very much alive and staring at a large, scarred tree. He was bruised and scratched and looked cold in the torn hospital pajamas he still wore.

"Gen?" Raidou called before pausing as the man spun and flung several senbon that needed to be deflected, "Gen, it's me. It's Raidou."

The others tried to flank Genma to reach him, but paused when the man held a kunai to his own throat.

"Go _away_. I don't want you here," Genma bit out, "Don't…just go away or I'll finish what I started with my wrists."

"Everyone sit down. Hound, send your pack away," Ibiki instructed as the jonin all complied, "Genma, you don't really want this."

"Do," Genma chuckled dryly as he turned to glare at the tree, "Here…here where I realized the truth. Here where I showed I was weak…here where it hurt."

Raidou glanced to the tree and then noticed Hound signing to him. "Scars." "Wind." "Damage." "Old blood scent."

"Oh, my _God_ ," Raidou hissed, studying the tree and the clearing carefully, "This is…this is where they attacked you."

There was no mistaking who "they" were as the others gaped. Genma trembled as he turned stricken eyes to Raidou before his face filled with rage.

"Go the fuck away! I don't want you here!"

"Genma, drop the kunai," Ibiki tried as the broken man glanced at him, "Hurting yourself will not change the way you are feeling. Pain will follow you."

"You know nothing," Genma laughed, placing the kunai against his throat calmly, "You love pain. You dole out pain all the time. It's what you do. Nin die to escape what you do to them. Why can't I, Ibiki? Why can't I get away from my pain? Does it make me weak to be tired? I'm so tired. I've fought and fought my whole life and I'm so fucking _tired_ of this _shit_!"

No one saw Raidou move. It was like he just appeared in front of Genma, but the scarred jonin just sat and took a kunai out to hold against his own throat.

"I told you before, Baby, I love you," Raidou pushed as the man gasped, "I go wherever you go no matter what so we'll go together. You and I, Gen. If you are tired then we'll rest. We'll rest, Baby."

"No," Genma whimpered, glancing to the blade at Raidou's throat in horror, "No, Rai."

"What are you doing?" Asuma snapped, standing angrily as Raidou glanced to the man.

"I go where Gen goes," Raidou said and looked back to his lover, "I go with you, Baby. Wherever you want to go. I've allowed you to suffer alone for too long. I wasn't there when your father was hurting you. I wasn't aware enough to realize that all the labels, teasing, and rumors were ripping you up inside. I wasn't able to keep you safe when those horrible men touched you and took something precious from you. I drove you to hurting yourself by jumping to conclusions and striking my most loved person. I've been a horrible boyfriend, but I will spend every moment from now on to try and make that up to you whether in this life or the next. I go with you. I'm sick and tired of seeing you alone."

"You _have_ to leave me alone!" Genma snarled, snatching the kunai from Raidou and stepping away, "You can't go with me! I 'm _dirty_! I'm a weak, dirty _whore_ , Rai! I get sent on seduction missions because I'm pretty and men or women want me! It was only a matter of time before…before being taken and used like the whore I am!"

"You are _not_ a whore!" Raidou yelled back, watching as the broken man trembled while the others remained frozen, watching everything unfold, "You are Genma Shiranui an elite guard. You aren't pretty. You're fucking _gorgeous_ and I'll be damned if I allow anyone to send you on seduction missions again because you are right…it was only a matter of time before someone went after you. You shouldn't have been sent without backup to keep you safe. The Hokage regrets that now. You _aren't_ weak. You were brutally victimized without any way of escaping. That doesn't make you weak."

"But I-I couldn't fight them," Genma stuttered, pointing his kunai at the tree, "The Sand nin tied me there. Every limb was held in positions I didn't want to be in…they touched me…they ripped my clothes away. I held it in, but inside I screamed as they took turns. It hurt so fucking _bad_! They hurt me! I couldn't fight them and they _hurt_ me!"

Raidou went to reach for Genma, but the man hissed and flung himself away.

"No, no. You are like all the rest," Genma denied, shaking his head wildly while tears coursed down his cheeks, " _You_ hurt me too. You hit me. You made me fall and then you turned away. Mother left, Father left, Oneesan left, _you_ left. You left me alone, Rai! You left me when all I wanted was for you to hold me and make it better, but you left. _All_ of you left and you believed the lies and I'm sick of _trying_ anymore! I don't want this! I don't want to feel like this! I want it to be done! I _can't_ do this anymore!"

Everyone blinked and then took cover as the scarred tree was blown into bits to the music of a thousand chirping birds. Raidou had thrown himself to shield Genma and the two sat up as the tree fell over backwards and rattled the ground they sat upon. Hound turned as his hand glowed with the bits of chakra leftover from the chidori.

"My father left," Hound voiced as the jonin all glanced to the former Anbu once silence reigned again, "He left me alone when I was too young to be left alone. He made me doubt myself. My doubts led to mistakes. My mistakes led to ones I love dying. Is that what you want, Shiranui-san?"

Genma didn't answer as he watched the other nin walk closer while standing from the forest floor and holding his kunai out to ward the Copy-nin off.

"I know you don't want that. I was born when Kakashi couldn't handle his emotions. I was born when he didn't want to feel similar to what you are feeling like right now," Hound continued, "I step forward when his emotional pain grows to be too much. I am he and he is Hound. He hurts for you badly. Your pain is tearing him up and he isn't even your lover. If Kakashi is hurting this bad for your pain, how do you think Namiashi-san is feeling knowing that you are correct? Namiashi-san hit you and blindsided you with his distrust. He betrayed your faith in him. So he is scum."

"He is _not_ ," Genma snapped, "Rai is pure. He isn't tainted like me or scum."

"He was burned against _his_ will," Hound objected, pointing to the scars as Raidou flushed, "Does that make Namiashi-san weak or tainted?"

Genma stepped back and glanced between Hound and Raidou in confusion.

"Well?" Hound demanded as Genma shook his head, "If Namiashi-san is not weak or tainted for having fallen in battle, then how are you tainted or weak, Shiranui-san? You fell in battle against unfair odds and they took advantage of you. Namiashi-san reacted badly because he felt betrayed, but he has proved his feelings for you since, hasn't he?"

"Hai," Genma whispered, looking away.

"He'll follow you to even the pits of hell," Hound drawled, "He left once, but I doubt Namiashi-san ever makes that mistake again. Living is dealing with pain. Life is hard, but it is the strong that survive even when they hit bottom. You've survived so much in life…abuse, neglect, unfair assumptions, labeling, sexual assault. You have a right to be tired and feeling empty, but you do have those that care. All of us here, most in the village that are looking for you now, and most importantly Raidou Namiashi who is willing to die beside you, wants to help you. You love Namiashi-san too so don't try to deny that truth. Do you want his death on your hands?"

" _Enough_ ," Raidou growled, stepping forward as Genma choked and held his aching wrists to his chest, "No one is going to guilt Genma into anything. Not even living. Baby, this is _your_ choice. Hound is correct in what he's said. You are beyond strong. Never forget that, but even the strongest can falter at times. You broke because I was a fool. I should have seen how desperately you needed me when you got home. I'm sorry, Gen. I'm so sorry."

"I want to stop hurting," Genma sobbed, dropping the kunai as he reached for Raidou, "Make it _stop_ , Rai."

"I will," Raidou vowed, pulling Genma tight against him while the man cried, "I promise I will, Baby. I love you, Gen."

Genma's knees gave out as Raidou eased them both to the ground.

"They hurt me, Rai," Genma's muffled voice said as he hid his face against Raidou's neck, "I can't let you touch me. I'm dirty. I have to love you enough to let you go. I _have_ to, Rai."

"It's just what Hound said, Gen, am I dirty with this?" Raidou asked, placing one of Genma's hands on his scarred cheek as his lover looked up at him and shook his head, "Remember how badly I reacted after the burns? I pushed you away in my own pain and confusion. What did you say to me then?"

"I said, 'Fuck you, Rai. You're stuck with me,'" Genma whispered as Raidou chuckled, "Are…are you saying that I'm stuck with you?"

"Forever and always," Raidou agreed, "You can't let me go because we're stuck together, right? I love you, Baby."

Everyone held their breath as brown eyes studied Raidou's face intently for long moments.

"I love you too," Genma finally offered, leaning against the larger man, "Tired, Rai. Cold."

"I know, Baby," Raidou whispered as Ibiki tore his trench coat off to wrap around Genma's shoulders, "Just rest. I've got you."

It was no time at all before Genma drifted to sleep. He was exhausted.

"Please tell me one of you has a med kit," Raidou begged, cradling Genma as he looked in worry at the man's raw feet.

"I do," Ibiki offered, bending to examine Genma, "Asuma, you and Kurenai go get some fresh water. Anko, start a fire. We'll need to boil the water to make sure it is sterile enough to clean Genma's cuts."

The sound of a body hitting the ground made everyone look and gape at seeing Kakashi sprawled unconscious on the ground.

"Shimatta!" Gai snapped, bending over the unconscious man, "Hound pushed Kakashi too far. I knew my rival couldn't handle discussing his father. That wound is still too raw for him."

"Something I've tried to get him help with, but he's so damn smart that he's able to pass all psych tests," Ibiki huffed, "Kakashi will sleep hard, but should wake when he's not so overwhelmed. Hound got through to Genma. That is all that matters. We just witnessed a major breakthrough. Genma will heal. He turned a corner. He'll let me help him now."

Raidou's heart lightened more than it had in weeks. Ibiki cleaned and bandaged Genma's feet and then checked the tender wrists. Titters rang out as Ibiki pulled multiple senbon from the armguards. Genma had prepared himself to defend.

"Bit strained," Ibiki advised, re-lacing the armguards in place, "I think that happened during the battle with that missing nin. Let's get every weapon off Genma just in case he mentally relapses, but I really think this is just a precaution."

Raidou had to laugh as he patted his lover down and found senbon, kunai, and shuriken lashed all over Genma's body.

"Silly. Never change, Gen," Raidou snorted, pawing through the sleeping man's hair.

"Why are you…oh," Anko began to question before giggling as Raidou pulled several senbon from the thick locks, "He hides senbon in his hair?"

"Just like his mother did," Ibiki explained, "Aiko-san must have taught her son some of her ways before she died. Genma is his mother's son."

Asuma shook his head in wonder as he gathered the weapons. It was a decent pile for a man wearing only pajamas.

"We need to get back," Ibiki stated, "I'll carry Genma."

" _I've_ got Gen. No one touches him, but me," Raidou snapped, lifting his wrapped lover carefully, "Gai, you got Kakashi?"

"I've got him," Gai agreed, standing with his rival dangling over his shoulder, "Kakashi will be unhappy to see my 'great-green rear' as he calls it if he wakes while I'm carrying him, but he'd be more pissed if I held him like a lover. I don't fancy a chidori to the face. I am happy with this youthful outcome."

Raidou glanced down to Genma's sleeping form and smiled.

"Let's go home. _All_ of us," Kurenai whispered, making Raidou beam.

To be continued…


	12. Chapter 12

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Twelve**

"We need to get back," Ibiki stated, "I'll carry Genma."

" _I've_ got Gen. No one touches him, but me," Raidou snapped, lifting his wrapped lover carefully, "Gai, you got Kakashi?"

"I've got him," Gai agreed, standing with his rival dangling over his shoulder, "Kakashi will be unhappy to see my 'great-green rear' as he calls it if he wakes while I'm carrying him, but he'd be more pissed if I held him like a lover. I don't fancy a chidori to the face. I am happy with this youthful outcome."

Raidou glanced down to Genma's sleeping form and smiled.

"Let's go home. _All_ of us," Kurenai whispered, making Raidou beam.

T.T

Genma knew he was dreaming. He knew it because there was no other way he couldn't be dreaming. His kaasan was walking towards him. Wait.

"Am I dead?" Genma asked himself aloud before blinking as his mother gasped.

"You are _so_ not dead and you are not _allowed_ to be dead," Aiko Shiranui snapped.

"Are you…no, this can't be real," Genma sighed, "You are just a dream."

"I'm real, Honey," Aiko insisted as her son blinked at her once again.

Genma wanted to believe. He did, but…but his mother had died. This couldn't be her. Could it? Did she finally come back for him? He wanted so bad for this to be real.

"Gen-chan?" Aiko called, holding her arms out as Genma finally threw himself at the one woman he had adored above anyone else his whole life, "You've grown so big, Genma."

Genma teared up as he smelled his kaasan's scent. Vanilla and leather. Softness with a tough layer. This was real. This was his mother.

"I missed you so much," Genma whispered, "Nothing was the same once you left, but Ryo-chan is so tall now. He's strong, Kaasan, and very smart. He's studying to go into law and Oneesan is a mother now and works as a nurse. You'd be so proud of them."

Aiko Shiranui hugged her child close as her own tears fell. She didn't miss that Genma had only spoken of his siblings. Her son's sense of self had been so battered over the years that he didn't even mention himself.

"I am proud of _both_ of my boys, Gen-chan, and I _know_ what your father did to you," Aiko admitted pulling back to look up at her son as Genma flushed in embarrassment, "I know how he hurt you and turned your sister against you, but he didn't have that power over Ryo. Your otouto has always adored you, but you had to pull back or risk worse punishment when you were younger. Goro Shiranui, I'm going to rip you a new one for touching one of my precious children! I'm going to tie a damn knot in that man's ass when his time comes, Gen-chan. I've been _waiting_ for the bastard!"

Genma snorted at the killing intent pouring off his mother. He remembered her temper. He'd inherited that too, but it took a lot to push him over the edge. Not so much with Aiko Shiranui.

"I'm pretty mad at you too," Aiko insisted as Genma flinched, "Honey, suicide is never the answer, but I know that you tried so hard to hold up on your own for a long, long time. I failed you as a mother."

"No, you _didn't_!" Genma cried before being silenced as his kaasan placed a finger to his lips, "Kaasan?"

"I told you that shinobi lived hard lives and need to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of what happens in life," Aiko continued, "I _forgot_ to remind you that shinobi fight for others to have good lives including themselves. I didn't mean to hint that you should disregard when someone is hurting you just because you were training to become a shinobi. Honey, what your father did to you was a _crime_. That was child abuse, Gen-chan. You didn't deserve to be hurt and starved because you out of my three children looked the most like me. Goro's going to pay!"

"I was trying to be strong," Genma sighed, "I just thought…I thought maybe if I was quiet enough at home or successful enough at my training, maybe…maybe Father would be happy again. When I realized that I couldn't make Father happy no matter how hard I tried, I left home and he did seem happier."

"Happy enough to steal your hard earned money," Aiko snarled, "Why do you _still_ give him money that you _know_ you don't owe him?"

"He's my father," Genma reminded, "I…I just…holding onto unrealistic dreams is really hard, Kaasan, but I couldn't seem to help it. I _wanted_ him to see me one day and be proud of me for once. I _wanted_ to sit at the table with his family and introduce them to my boyfriend. You'd love him, Kaasan. Raidou is perfect, but holding on to the hope of being loved by Father just grew more and more painful over time. The hope festered away within me and then horrible things happened and I didn't want to live anymore. I still don't know if I want to live, but I can't die because Rai will follow me and I can't allow that. I have to try and go on, but I don't know if life is even worth trying for anymore."

"Don't you ever say that again, Gen-chan!" Aiko ordered as Genma gaped as his mother shook him by his shoulders, "I gave you that life you are trying to give up. I won't allow you to come and see me so early. That is why I'm here now. I've felt your suffering for years and have been fighting to reach you. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to you, Honey."

Genma was surprised to be held in his kaasan's arm like he'd remembered he was held when he was little.

"I know what those bastards did to my boy," Aiko hissed as Genma trembled that she knew his shame, "Settle, Honey, let Mama make it better. I'm here now, Gen-chan, and when I'm not here your Raidou will be because he loves and adores you. I like that boy very much. Settle, Sweetheart. Mama's here."

Genma heard his kaasan's singing for the first time in years. This was his lullaby. The one that Aiko Shiranui had always sang for him. Warmth flooded him as Genma felt his kaasan's hands stroking his back. The raw coldness that had invaded his soul since the rapes ebbed with each sweet note sung just for him.

"Rest, Gen-chan," Aiko hummed, holding to her son tighter, "You are cleansed, Honey. Kaasan took all the shame and pain away. Just listen to your song and sleep, Genma. Mama will always, always love her sweet boy. Oh, and tell Raidou something for me, okay?"

So Genma listened and promised before relaxing as his kaasan continued to sing for him and he slept. He slept feeling loved and cherished for the first time in a long time.

T.T

Raidou blinked at the mass of shinobi that met him and his team at the gate. He could only assume that they had sensed Genma's chakra signature and had come running. Some cheers broke out while many looked relieved when Ibiki gave the all clear sign. Good. Genma still had many comrades that cared.

"How is he?" Tsunade questioned as she hurried over to gaze at the sleeping man in Raidou's arms, "Where was he?"

"I think Gen's just sleeping off exhaustion and I'd rather tell you everything in private," Raidou answered as the lady nodded, "It's Kakashi that has us worried. He's not woke back up after passing out. That is another story to be told in private."

"Let's get back to the hospital so I can examine them both," Tsunade decided, glancing at Gai holding Kakashi in apparent concern, "I'm going to go get things set up to examine them so you take your time walking. I don't want any of you using teleportation until you are better rested. Clear the way! Let Gai and Raidou by!"

Raidou nodded and he and Gai walked ahead to take the ones they carried to the hospital. Voices started up and the scarred jonin listened with half an ear.

"I'm so glad he's been found. I was very worried we'd find Genma-san's body and we'd never see that one's cocky swagger again."

"I know. I've been really worried too."

"Do you think Genma took down the Copy-nin? I bet he did. Genma must be stronger than we ever realized."

"He's alive. I see him breathing. Thank God. Shiranui-san is a good man. I hope he heals and can return to the field. He's one of us."

"Did you hear that Kotetsu guy broke his hand on a medic-nin's face because the bastard was insulting Genma-san? Kotetsu's good people. He'd not do that for a whoring nin. That was a stupid rumor."

"Why is _he_ carrying Shiranui-san? Didn't Namiashi and that Anko woman start the whole thing about Genma's whoring to begin with?"

A fist connecting with flesh made Raidou look up to see Ebisu glaring down at an unknown nin that he could only assume had been saying the last statement.

"Shut up," Ebisu bit out, "Don't start stupid rumors. Don't you all get it? _We_ drove Genma to give up. Raidou Namiashi made a mistake in anger due to rumors that never should have been started and it led to Genma's attempt on his life. Namiashi-san has moved mountains to save our comrade's life. I am not saying this like I am innocent. I hurt Genma too. Very badly."

Raidou watched as Genma's former teammate turned and bowed deeply to the scarred jonin.

"I'm sorry, Raidou," Ebisu offered, "I hurt Genma deeply when we were still genin. I'd figured out the truth after I heard about what happened, but Gai reminded me of my younger years and I've felt such shame since. I also participated in gossiping as we continued to age over the years. I didn't mean for any of this to hurt Genma so much. I'll apologize to Genma once he allows me to see him, but for now…please accept my heartfelt apologies."

Raidou sighed as he glanced to the bowing man and then at Genma's pale face.

"I don't have it in me to accept any apologies right now," Raidou admitted as Ebisu flinched, "But the fact that you've realized your mistakes makes me happy, Ebisu. The fact that you understand now that even the strongest shinobi can be hurt by cruel words and unfair labeling means a lot to me. I'll be able to accept your apology one day, Ebisu, but for now…for now I want to get my Genma out of the cold and back to the hospital, okay?"

Ebisu nodded and moved out of the way quickly. Maybe this whole ordeal would teach Konoha a valuable lesson about respect. It is too late to realize someone's importance after they are gone. Respect needed to happen while the person was still with you.

"Namiashi-san!"

Raidou's gaze snapped up to see Genma's little brother running over.

"Is Oniisan okay?" Ryo demanded, leaning over his brother's sleeping form, "He's pale. Did he hurt himself again? _Please_ tell me he didn't."

"Your oniisan didn't hurt himself again and he will heal with time, Ryo-san," Raidou stated as the young man breathed a sigh of relief, "I was told you've been trying to visit your brother."

"The Hokage wouldn't let me see Genma," Ryo sighed, "She was afraid I'd be bringing up bad memories from when Father hurt him. I didn't know, Namiashi-san, I swear it. I would have told someone the very minute I found out the truth to get Oniisan help if I knew what Father was doing. Oneesan is also pretty upset. Now that she is married with her own children and is out of the house she realizes how cruel she'd been to Genma. Maybe one day we can be a real family."

"Only if that is what Genma wants," Raidou agreed as the younger man looked down, "You are Genma's dear otouto, Ryo-san. He's always bragged to me about how strong and smart you are. Give your oniisan time to recover and I'm sure he'll welcome the opportunity to finally get to know his little brother. Let me by, Shiranui-san. Your oniisan needs out of the cold."

"Hai," Ryo agreed before narrowing his eyes at Ibiki, " _You_."

"Me," Ibiki snorted, "Haven't forgiven me for what I said to your worthless father?"

"Haven't forgiven you for _not_ doing what you threatened to my worthless father," Ryo growled, turning to walk away, "Don't speak if you aren't going to follow through. Hmph!"

"Oh," Ibiki hummed as a lot of shinobi watched the young man stomp away, "I _like_ him! Should have been a shinobi. Good head on that one. Genma and Ryo must have inherited that from their mother. Her line runs true."

Raidou smirked as he hurried beside Gai to get to the hospital. Lady Tsunade had a double room set up for Genma and Kakashi to be settled in. Genma's minor wounds were healed and he was left to sleep. It was Kakashi that had Tsunade the most worried.

"He's completely shut down," Tsunade explained as Gai cursed softly, "I can't wake him back up. It's like the brat has shielded his mind from the outside world."

"It's Hound," Gai sighed, "Hound is the one shielding my rival until Kakashi can come to terms with what he exposed to Genma. That is one of the first times that I've heard him mention his father's suicide so openly."

"He did _what_?" Tsunade gasped, "I want to hear the whole story of Genma's retrieval from the beginning. Kakashi has _never_ spoken of his father's suicide. This is a first for the brat."

Raidou tuned out the story as he watched his lover sleep. Genma looked peaceful. Very peaceful.

"I hope Ibiki was right and you've turned a corner," Raidou thought as he brushed a hand through Genma's thick hair, "You terrified me today, Baby. I hope you and I can heal together. It is truly time for you to have some peace in your life."

Tsunade had Genma taken to a new room in the psych ward and surprisingly allowed Raidou to have a cot in the room. The scarred jonin slipped under the blankets and slept deeply for hours until he was pounced upon.

To be continued…


	13. Chapter 13

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Thirteen**

Raidou smirked as he hurried beside Gai to get to the hospital. Lady Tsunade had a double room set up for Genma and Kakashi to be settled in. Genma's minor wounds were healed and he was left to sleep. It was Kakashi that had Tsunade the most worried.

"He's completely shut down," Tsunade explained as Gai cursed softly, "I can't wake him back up. It's like the brat has shielded his mind from the outside world."

"It's Hound," Gai sighed, "Hound is the one shielding my rival until Kakashi can come to terms with what he exposed to Genma. That is one of the first times that I've heard him mention his father's suicide so openly."

"He did _what_?" Tsunade gasped, "I want to hear the whole story of Genma's retrieval from the beginning. Kakashi has _never_ spoken of his father's suicide. This is a first for the brat."

Raidou tuned out the story as he watched his lover sleep. Genma looked peaceful. Very peaceful.

"I hope Ibiki was right and you've turned a corner," Raidou thought as he brushed a hand through Genma's thick hair, "You terrified me today, Baby. I hope you and I can heal together. It is truly time for you to have some peace in your life."

Tsunade had Genma taken to a new room in the psych ward and surprisingly allowed Raidou to have a cot in the room. The scarred jonin slipped under the blankets and slept deeply for hours until he was pounced upon.

"Oof!"

Raidou opened his eyes in surprise only to stare at his lover's beaming smile. This was the type of smile that the scarred jonin had rarely seen from Genma and very much cherished the few times he'd been graced with such an open expression.

"I _saw_ her, Rai," Genma gushed, keeping his wrists against his chest as he grinned wider, "I did. She came to me and I saw her and she was so angry at Father."

"Who, Baby?" Raidou asked, deciding to go along with this happier Genma as he sat up to settle his lover against his hip, "Who came to you?"

"My kaasan, Rai," Genma explained, "She sang to me and she made a lot of the hurt go away and she told me that she was going to kick Father's ass when his time comes. Father won't like that very much, but Kaasan is angry and she moves mountains when she's angry. I have her temper too, did you know that?"

"I didn't," Raidou denied, enjoying the brighter eyes of his lover, "I'd like to hear all about your kaasan one day."

"I'll tell you all about her. I promise," Genma continued before sighing softly, "Kaasan made me understand that Father shouldn't have hurt me. I didn't know, Rai. I just thought…I thought that I had done something wrong to have Father hate me so much. Did you know I've let him steal my earnings for years? That's really stupid, isn't it?"

"I read that in your journal. Ibiki still has your journal and I'll get it back for you. How many years did that bastard do that?" Raidou demanded before calming as Genma flinched and looked down, "No, Gen. I'm not angry at you and I _don't_ think you have ever been stupid. I think you were just trying to survive and be a good son. I'm glad you dreamed of your kaasan."

" _Not_ a dream," Genma denied with another beaming grin, "She came to me and told me she loves me and is proud of me and made a lot of the shame and pain go away. She told me that when she couldn't be there for me that you'd be there because you love me and I love you too. She likes you and told me to tell you that your father appreciates the mochi you leave at his shrine."

Raidou blinked in shock. No one knew that he left mochi for his father. That was a father-son treat that they'd snuck behind his mother's back since she was against sweets and the sneaking had stuck with him. The only way that Genma could know was…was if Gen's deceased mother really _had_ talked to his deceased father. Wonders of all wonders.

"Gen, you tell your kaasan that I'll always be there for you when you see her again and I'm glad she knows how much I love you," Raidou urged as his lover grinned wider, "And tell her thank you for taking care of her little boy for me. I'm so glad that she could help with some of your pain. How do you feel now, Baby?"

"A little better. I broke really badly, but I want to get better now, Rai," Genma hummed, looking relaxed for the first time in a long time, "It still hurts here inside of me, but not so sharply anymore. Ibiki said there were ways to deal with pain like that I'm going to learn how. Rai, I've scared you a lot, haven't I?

"Very much, Baby," Raidou admitted as his lover frowned, "But sometimes pain has to be released. Yours has been building up for a long time. You were going to break eventually, but I'm glad that you want to get better again because I need you and love you so much. Let me see those wrists. Are they hurting you, Gen?

"Yes," Genma admitted as Raidou gently massaged the healing wrists through the armguards, "And I'm hungry, Rai."

Raidou beamed happily that Genma seemed to have truly turned that corner. His lover was ready to heal finally and admitting to what he was feeling without anger. Genma would be able to listen to counseling and express himself rationally now. Raidou got a nurse to retrieve the Hokage and Tsunade was more than happy to see to Genma's wrists. Genma ate some miso soup before falling back to sleep, tucked snug in his bed.

"Genma's so tired and emotionally drained that we were seeing the child within him that no longer feels abandoned just now. The more he strengthens, the more we'll see the true Genma reemerge. He's going to heal finally," Tsunade grinned out as Raidou sighed in relief, "His wrists are doing better and the more food we can get in him the faster his tissue will heal. Genma wants to live again."

"Thank God," Raidou breathed, sitting heavily in a chair, "Hokage-sama, there is one more problem. Goro Shiranui has been stealing monies from my baby. I think if I dealt with that I'd kill the man. Can I pay for a mission and request Ibiki to handle getting Gen's monies back?"

"On the house!"

Tsunade chuckled as Ibiki could be seen stalking past the observation window on the way out of the ward.

"I think Konoha can do that one for free," Tsunade offered, "Go back to sleep, Raidou. You look dead on your feet."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

Raidou slept well and woke with Genma curled up next to him. Ibiki grinned at the startled jonin and helped Raidou slip from the cot.

"You've been dead to the world for over a day," Ibiki whispered, "Genma was very worried so I allowed him to sleep next to you on a cot I shoved up next to yours. We've been having trouble getting him to eat or sleep until he knew you were alright."

"You should have woke me up then," Raidou gasped before stilling as Genma shifted and slowly sat up, "Morning, Baby."

"Afternoon, Rai," Genma corrected with a snort, "Feel better?"

"Mmhm," Raidou agreed, sitting beside his lover to pull him close and revel in his warmth, "Much better."

"I'm glad you both are awake because I need to explain how Genma's therapy is going to go," Ibiki spoke up as the two jonin looked over, "Raidou, it is time to give Genma some space again. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No!" Genma snapped.

"Gen, we need to listen to Ibiki," Raidou urged as Genma flushed, "Let him finish explaining why he is asking that. The sooner you heal, the sooner I can take you home with me, okay?"

"Hai, Raidou," Genma sighed, but gave a small smile when his boyfriend squeezed him softly.

"Genma, you need to sort out your feelings without distractions," Ibiki continued, "You are finding yourself again, but your true self is still a little fractured. You and I are going to help you figure out ways to put yourself back together and be whole again. When I see that your decisions are completely your own again, Raidou will be allowed to visit. I _will_ , however, allow him to come see you through the window you hate so much everyday so you know he is close, okay?"

Genma scowled softly, but eventually nodded.

"I understand," Genma sighed, "I want to go home with Rai so I'll listen and get better. I'm ready to do that now. I promised my kaasan to be strong again and I want to. I want to be the shinobi I once was."

"That you _still_ are," Ibiki pointed out, "You just need to be reminded of your strength and learn new skills to deal with your feelings."

Raidou felt torn in half when he left Genma, but his boyfriend swore to listen and get better. The scarred jonin was glad to see this side of his lover and held in his emotions to say goodbye for just a short while. Raidou groaned once outside of the room, wanting to run back inside to stay by his Gen and never leave his side. Genma knew or sensed the truth and signed through his window a minute later to Raidou. "See soon." "Love" "Be strong." "I fight."

"I love you, Baby," Raidou mouthed as he placed his palm against the glass where Genma's hand rested before Ibiki shooed Raidou away and shut the curtains to the observation window from the inside.

The jonin sighed and then decided to see how his downed comrade was doing.

"How is he?" Raidou asked Asuma a few moments later once he had found where Kakashi's hospital room was located.

"No change from before," Asuma admitted as the two of them watched Gai holding his rival's hand, looking beyond worried at the limp man in the bed, "It's nearly been three days and Kakashi hasn't moved a muscle. His breathing is good, but Lady Tsunade has some IVs hooked to his arm since he's getting dehydrated and needs nutrients."

"Is this like before with Itachi?" Raidou questioned.

"No. Itachi sent Kakashi into an unconscious state by ripping apart the man's mind with the sharingan. Lady Tsunade was able to heal the damage and Kakashi woke back up. This is something different. Kakashi's mind isn't aware or active. Gai is blaming Hound, but we don't know what is going on."

"I wonder if this is a catatonic state like what my Gen went through after reliving his attack," Raidou thought aloud.

"Gai brought that up and the Hokage denied that," Asuma sighed, "It's not like Kakashi doesn't want to wake up, but more like he can't. Lady Tsunade is trying to figure out what will shock Kakashi back to awareness."

"Not good. I hope Baby doesn't hear of this or he'll blame himself for Kakashi's condition," Raidou fretted.

"Shouldn't be hard since Genma's in a locked down ward," Asuma mentioned before pausing as Raidou chuckled, "What?"

"You would be amazed what Genma can find out about no matter where he is," the scarred jonin snickered, "He discovers any secret I try to keep from him. Don't ever try to throw him a surprise party, but I know my Gen. He'll blame himself for Kakashi's collapse."

"He shouldn't," Asuma replied, "Kakashi has been holding some important emotions inside of him for too long. Hound was able to get through to Genma, but Kakashi obviously wasn't able to handle the sharing. That is between Kakashi and Hound."

"Doesn't mean that my Gen won't try to take responsibility," Raidou denied, "Life is simply life, but Kakashi and Genma have both been handed some real shit in their time."

"I have every bit of faith that both Genma and Kakashi will learn to handle what they've been through," Asuma urged as Raidou offered a tight smile, "It just seems that Kakashi needs a little more time to come back to us to learn to deal with his. That's all."

Time passed and before anyone realized it a month had gone by since Genma's running. The broken man continued to work to put himself back together again and Kakashi remained still to the world. Many were fretting over the Copy-nin's condition, but no medical intervention seemed to work to wake the nin. Another problem was that one night Genma escaped again. Raidou discovered the empty room first on his daily, morning visits to Gen's window and freaked along with Ibiki.

"Stop," Tsunade ordered as Raidou and Ibiki were about to hit the hospital alarm, "Come see what I found."

Raidou shared a look with Ibiki and the two followed their Hokage…straight to Kakashi's room. Gai was trembling and crying his "manly" tears while keeping himself carefully hidden from whatever was happening inside the room.

"What is going on?" Ibiki asked before Tsunade offered a beaming grin.

"Is my Gen in there?" Raidou demanded before grunting as Gai hugged him joyfully, "Gah! Let go, Gai. Let me see."

"Look at the passionate youthfulness!" Gai glowed before scowling as Ibiki refused a hug, "Downer."

"Weirdo," Ibiki snapped back, "Move."

To be continued…


	14. Chapter 14 and Epilogue

**I Am Not What You Choose To See**

AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.

I own nothing. Nothing.

 **Chapter Fourteen**

Time passed and before anyone realized it a month had gone by since Genma's running. The broken man continued to work to put himself back together again and Kakashi remained still to the world. Many were fretting over the Copy-nin's condition, but no medical intervention seemed to work to wake the nin. Another problem was that one night Genma escaped again. Raidou discovered the empty room first on his daily, morning visits to Gen's window and freaked along with Ibiki.

"Stop," Tsunade ordered as Raidou and Ibiki were about to hit the hospital alarm, "Come see what I found."

Raidou shared a look with Ibiki and the two followed their Hokage…straight to Kakashi's room. Gai was trembling and crying his "manly" tears while keeping himself carefully hidden from whatever was happening inside the room.

"What is going on?" Ibiki asked before Tsunade offered a beaming grin.

"Is my Gen in there?" Raidou demanded before grunting as Gai hugged him joyfully, "Gah! Let go, Gai. Let me see."

"Look at the passionate youthfulness!" Gai glowed before scowling as Ibiki refused a hug, "Downer."

"Weirdo," Ibiki snapped back, "Move."

Raidou and Ibiki peeked into the observation window to see Genma sitting with a very much awake Kakashi. The two were sitting back to back on the bed while it looked like the Copy-nin was beaming as Genma was shoving at the other playfully.

"Genma's got a special seal on one of his wrist guards that I installed the first time he ran off to alert me if he runs again," Tsunade grinned out, "The kid somehow overheard a staff member talking about Kakashi's condition and Genma came to check up on the brat. I watched as Genma practically teased Kakashi right out of his state of unconsciousness. Kid just wouldn't take no for an answer and nearly pounced the man once Kakashi opened his eyes. Whatever you've been doing with Genma, Ibiki, he's turned on the brat. Kakashi is talking to Genma about just a few of the feelings that he's never admitted to before and Genma is telling Kakashi some of his own inner thoughts and feelings. The sharing is doing both of them a lot of good. This is the most I've seen Kakashi allow himself to admit to in years and Genma isn't holding anything back."

Raidou smirked as he watched Genma chipping away at Kakashi's shields and then beamed at his lover when Gen noticed him. Genma winked at the scarred jonin before shoving at Kakashi a little more.

"Always been a tease," Raidou chortled, patting Gai on the back, "Seems my brat has done your rival some good, Gai."

"Perhaps even enough to get rid of Hound," Gai sniffled as Ibiki snorted, "Don't start with me. Hound is the devil."

"Hound _is_ your rival," Ibiki pointed out, "Hound is a necessary part of Kakashi's mind. One day Hound will disappear, but for now Kakashi might be able to deal with some of those emotions that he represses without hiding behind Hound. You realize that Genma reaching out to Kakashi is another breakthrough."

"I know," Raidou agreed, "Gen has always tried to help in subtle ways. His teases and words have other meanings. It feels like the Genma we've known for years is returning finally."

"Somewhat," Ibiki stated as Raidou, Gai, and Tsunade glanced to the man sharply, "Genma will be stronger than before. He's coming to terms with his abusive childhood and the rapes. He's finding himself and his old cocky ways are returning. I've had to confiscate so many senbon from his lips—you have no idea. He plays pranks on the psych ward staff all the time. I have no idea how he escapes as much as he does, but he always returns to his room. Genma wants to live and get better."

"And he's bringing Kakashi along with him," Gai cheered, continuing to watch the duo in the hospital room, "A most youthful and passionate person-Genma Shiranui."

"You got that right," Raidou agreed, feeling months of weight lifted from his shoulders as he returned a smirk Genma sent his way.

Later that night, Raidou was allowed a visit with his boyfriend. The two merely strung themselves around one another for a bit of time before the scarred jonin got up the courage to ask what Genma had done to wake Kakashi.

"Told him that he had to wake up again because I found him," Genma had replied as his boyfriend blinked, "Kakashi was hiding. I made him return to the game."

"Game, Baby?"

"Game of life, Rai," Genma hummed, "The one where sometimes things don't go just as they should, but only the strong survive the ups and downs. Kakashi and I are stronger now…both of us."

Raidou beamed and pulled Genma closer as the man snickered. Yes. Both Kakashi and Genma were much, much stronger now and the mischievous twinkle in Gen's eyes was back.

"I've missed you, Baby."

"I've missed you too, Rai. I want to come home. I…I mean I want to live with _you_."

"You don't even have to ask, Gen. My baby stays with me."

"Sap."

"Want me any other way?"

"Nope."

 **Epilogue:**

One Year and Three Months After Genma's Suicide Attempt:

Raidou paced at the gate as Kotetsu and Izumo watched him.

"Iruka bet us that you'd do this," Izumo snickered as Kotetsu snorted, "I refused to take the bet and so did Ko. We know you too well, Rai."

"I'm going after him," Raidou decided, coming to an abrupt halt, "My baby's late."

"By an _hour_."

Raidou groaned as Kakashi and Iruka idled over to glance at the path the scarred jonin had worn into the ground.

"Still makes Gen late, Iruka," Raidou hissed, "I should have gone with him."

"Genma's been fine on his team missions, Rai," Kakashi pointed out, "He's healed. You can't swaddle him forever. He's been cleared for field duty for months and I've seen him on missions. The man is professional and deadly. He's good, Raidou."

"This is his first solo mission since…since before," Raidou fretted, "I'm not trying to swaddle Gen…I just…he's my baby and I worry for him despite knowing he can handle himself just fine."

"Good to know, Fuss Budget."

Raidou stiffened and whirled to see Genma smirking at him from the gate with his senbon in place and wearing the leather arm guards that the scarred jonin had special made for his lover. The arm guards fit like fingerless gloves, but stretched to Gen's elbows with hidden pockets for Gen's favorite weapons and were a regular part of Genma's attire now whether on duty or not. The guards didn't interfere with movement and covered the hints of the scars on Gen's wrists while providing protection. The whole picture was fucking hot. Genma was still damn gorgeous and home so Raidou wanted to hug the man close, but shinobi's didn't do that in public.

"Iruka, here is my report," Genma blurted, handing the chunin some paperwork while Iruka nodded at the man in thanks, "Mission went without a hitch. Rai, get over here and take me home. I want food. Let's go."

Raidou knew he bounced when he bounded over to his lover. He heard the titters of his friends, but Genma was home and safe…and frisky once behind closed doors.

"Mm," Raidou hummed as his lover deepened the kiss before pulling back to suck on his neck, "Missed me, hm?"

"Yes," Genma agreed, straddling Raidou's hips on the couch, "I'm ready, Rai."

Raidou sobered and hugged his slightly smaller boyfriend close. They hadn't been intimate beyond heavy make out sessions since the rapes. Genma hadn't been able to handle that.

"I'm ready, Rai," Genma repeated, bucking his hips against his lover's, "I'm not scared anymore. This is the last step. This ends what they did to me. I'm not theirs. I never was. I'm yours, Rai. Make me yours."

"Only mine," Raidou insisted, pulling Genma closer, "You tell me if I need to stop. I always will, Baby. I will stop no matter what if you get frightened."

"I trust you," Genma whispered, "You're my Rai and my Rai will never hurt me again. I know that."

The scarred jonin grinned as his hands roved. Raidou cherished every grunt and moan he teased from his lover as he rocked deep into Genma once they'd finally moved to the bedroom. They fit and moved together perfectly, but there were certain unspoken rules. Never confine Genma when being intimate, especially by the wrists. Never, ever against a hard surface. Do not hold those lithe hips with both hands. Allow Genma to lead.

"I'm not frightened of any of this anymore," Genma sighed once they lay sated and Raidou did his traditional inspection and kissing of the fading scars on each of Gen's wrists, "Thank you, Rai."

"For what?" Raidou questioned, leaning over his lover, "For the sex? I thank _you_ , Baby."

"No, Silly," Genma laughed, "For loving me even when I was broken. For helping me find myself again. For helping me learn to be a part of a family with my oneesan and otouto. For letting me go enough to be a shinobi again. For never giving up on me as I put myself back together."

"Just like you never gave up on me when I got a little lost," Raidou reminded, taking Genma's hand to lay on his scarred cheek, "As cheesy as this sounds, Baby, you complete me. You give me a reason to get through missions. I love you."

"I love you more," Genma purred, flipping Raidou onto his back, "My turn, Rai."

"Anything my baby wants," Raidou chortled, seeing the teasing glint in his partner's eyes.

"Always being labeled," Genma chuckled as Raidou glanced to him in question, "Only _you_ are allowed to give me titles, Rai. I like being your baby."

"Be my baby forever," Raidou blurted, sitting up to gather Genma close, "Marry me. Be mine and bear my name beside of yours."

Genma stared at the other man in shock before relaxing with a grin.

"I can do that," Genma nodded out, pushing his gleeful Raidou back down to the pillow, "I _said_ …my turn, Rai."

Genma cuddled his fiancé close after their love making, watching Raidou sleep. This man. This perfect man that wanted him, flaws and all, always labeled him. Cherished, wanted, adored, loved, needed, trusted, and the list went on.

"Genma Shiranui-Namiashi, husband of Raidou Namiashi," Genma tested out in his mind, "Now that's the perfect label. I can live with that."

And Genma did until the end of his time which was when he was old and grey with his husband right beside him. It was good to be who he was…very good.

The end.

Thank you for reading and reviewing.


End file.
